Connection

Connection makes growth and change possible. The act of connecting is the creative process, the state of being and the life force. If you can view every connection that is made within a lifetime and see how one connection influences another, then you will understand the complexity and uniqueness of each human being on Earth.

The deepest need in the human psyche is for connection. Even in the womb there must be "enough" connection with the mother and environment for a child to be born. From birth on there are multiple and never ending connections made as a child becomes an adult, an elder and passing over at the end of life.

To have true connection it is important to know all parts of your self. Embracing the light, shadow, and dark is essential for growth and expansion. Without awareness of all aspects, connection is difficult because you are not able to be totally present. This makes authentic connection impossible.

Connection allows you to re-access what has meaning in your life. It encourages you to develop the important attributes in life: personal responsibility, self-initative and self-mastery. Living these attributes give you choices which determine the quality of your life. These choices need to come from a deep trust within yourself that your soul is your guidance system.

Creativity will become enhanced as you practice making choices and learning from the consequences of these choices. The purpose of life is to discover what brings you joyful vitality. Connection allows you to identify what allows your soul's consciousness to flow through you.

We all have the choice to participate in fear or in the path of hope of human evolution. The Earth energy is powerful and plentiful. All realities and all choices can coexist in this same field of time and space. As our vibrations shift and change from the choices we make, we create new ways to live.

Living with this level of connection puts us in a position of being able to serve and grow toward a higher level of human consciousness than we have ever known. Growth and change are the results of connection. They are within our reach and the touchstone to our future.

Gratitude for Consciousness

At the current time, many people are obsessing and feeling paranoid about how bad things in the world are. That makes it even more important to offer a powerful blessing by filling the ether with gratitude, both for the big events we have encountered in recent years and for all the little things we have a tendency to take for granted.

It is important to step back from what we perceive as problematic and scary and think in terms of the planet's spiritual growth as well as our own. There are many things for which to be thankful. How wondrous to be privileged to share in the illumination process of the planet Earth. How wondrous to be able to recognise and acknowledge the flow of divinity within the mundane and within each other. How exciting that we are the privileged who hold the vision for a new Earth. There is so much to celebrate, so much to appreciate and so much to marvel. We can celebrate the balance we are bringing into our own lives as well as that of the planet.

While the problems of the Earth may appear out of control at the present time, it is important for each one who is living and experiencing on the planet at the present time to accept responsibility for what is going on. While it might be tempting to blame others for our predicament, this is not the answer. As we view the apparent mess that is presenting itself for solutions at this time, it is tempting to try to find just who is to blame and then mentally try to convict those we deem guilty. Again, this is not the answer. In fact, it is more of the same old patriarchal energy the stimulated the arising of these problems in the first place.

Because so many of the models we observe and pattern our lives after continue to persist in the blame game it may, at times, be tempting for our egos to fall into the same pattern. After all, it may attempt to reason, if we can just find the guilty party, that person could be held accountable and life could go on in a better fashion. While it may be tempting to access blame to a person or group of people we deem guilty of social crimes against the planet, doing this misses a very important point: They are all parts of us.

The truth is, all the problems of Earth belong to all people of Earth. This means that each one of us must bear some of the responsibility for all of the problems we perceive. It cannot be otherwise. All those attempts (in our minds) to separate ourselves from all those we see as guilty only serves to exacerbate the problem. Additionally, it robs us of the internal space for thanksgiving and contributes to the relative lack of balance seen in the world today.

The absence of balance that fosters the non-clarity and distorting motivations that have brought about this current crisis has arisen from the collective mental conglomerate of the human race and simply cannot be pinned on a few select individuals. This is true no matter how harshly we judge the few.

It is tempting to slip into victimhood here. However, the truth lies in the fact that we are not victims. While this may be somewhat difficult to let in, facing and embodying this truth can help us cut through that non-clarity and distortional thinking and projecting. The ramifications of the predicaments may appear to be paralyzing in certain economic sectors and may seem difficult to deal with in conventional reality, but the old patriarchal habits will offer neither solution nor solace.

Facing our difficulties, if we are paying attention, will help us notice that the moment is ripe with possibility. This is something for which we can be quite grateful. If a solution is to be found, it will come about as a result of consciously viewing old patterns with fresh eyes and seeing the possibilities that have not previously been seen.

Spirit Search--What Is Real

As I went outside tonight to look at the stars, the sky was crystal clear. Planets and stars sparkled and danced across the sky. I was awestruck by the beauty. Gazing at the heavens, I had a real sense of expansion and connection. The myriad of stars, planets and galaxies couldn't help but open my eyes and soul to what is real.

As humans, we face a great deal of difficulty during our lives on Earth. Some people come into the world pampered and secure while others are not as fortunate and find themselves in the midst of poverty. It is very easy to see how physical reality sometimes overshadows that of the spiritual.

The Earth is a planetary classroom where we come to learn how to deal with emotions and distresses as well as enjoy the opportunity to live in a human body. We take the good with the bad, and in doing so, we learn what it means to be human. While not all of life's experiences are fun or enjoyable, even the hard things in life are good for us because they help us grow.

Through our lives, we begin to sense there is something missing--a lack of connection to what is our true nature. We strive to find the missing piece of ourselves--and sometimes we lose ourselves in pursuit of pleasure, objects, and people, thinking the missing piece resides with them. That is not the case. The missing piece of us is our light-link with the heavens above.

Reconnecting with the Divine is as simple as looking up into the dark starry night and realizing where we are as a race of humans. This grounds us into what is truly real. (When was the last time you realized we are in outer space?)

Regardless of the obstacles and crises we face, there is something more to us than the physical. No matter what someone may say about us, we must remember that we are the Divine in human form. We are light. And it is because of this light that we are able to move forward and function in this Earth school.

We need to remember our true light nature because when we discover the real truth about ourselves, we will begin to live as the lightbeings we are. We can't help but have a longing for home. When that moment of longing comes upon us, we must remember to look up and take solace in the fact that from the stars we have come, and to the stars we will return.

Facing Challenging Times

This week, listening to All Things Considered, I got the feeling society was running amok. The energetic changes that have been percolating for several decades and have more recently been presenting themselves in the form of loss of our comfortable way of thinking, has left us feeling fatigued and full of fear and confusion.

It is difficult to keep in mind how our efforts began in the higher vibrations of the realm of Spirit and have moved down through the lower vibrations of emotions and thought and have finally reached the realm of the physical. This is why we are so weary. It is sometimes easier to want to walk away from what is happening because things have gotten too difficult and challenging on the physical plane.

It is easy to go into doubt now and become overcome by fear. There are many people who are seeking a return to old times and old ways. It is easy to want to seek the comfort of the way it used to be. As the times and things seem "heavier", matters and events take on weightier importance. It is normal to feel this and doubt it will ever change.

What we may have forgotten is the role of Spirit. It is important to ask ourselves during this time when our attention in being drawn toward the physical and our deepest basic survival issues are up for examination: what place does Spirit still have in my life?

When the desire for the safety of the old arises inside or outside us, it is important to remind ourselves that there is no need for a system of beliefs where Spirit is concerned. We couldn't structure Spirit if we wanted to. Why not approach life with open eyes and acceptance of what is? Why not remember that we are manifesting beings and that we have chosen this time and its difficulties, and have all the resources we need?

It is important to get some perspective on the changes around us. As difficult as some aspects of life are, remember those things that are easier now than they were before. Things like communication and computers connecting us globally are examples of the progress that has been made.

It is good to recognize that we have the ability to join with these gravitational energies that are approaching us now and to prepare for a different way of life. This outlook can only be achieved by looking at the situation from the vantage point of Spirit, letting loose of the old ways and ideas and continuing to reach ahead with our emotions and thoughts.

We need, more than ever, to imagine peace and harmony. Our ability and willingness to imagine these things is vital. It is easy to get hung up on the details and explanations. Don't you get the feeling, though, that the future will be far different from what you can imagine anyway?

From the perspective of Spirit, we are deep in the waves of energy of a movement toward harmony and balance. The achievement of these is accomplished through the action of love for one another--whether you agree with each other or not. It is also reached through those feelings that grow from graditude and awareness.

In the pursuit of harmony, there is no one element that is more important that another. All the elements act together to create harmony. Through the eyes of Spirit, the element we have chosen is the action of peace.

Striving for the old ways dissipates the energy of peace. Now is the time to practice our Spiritual awareness and visualize peace whenever possible. It is important to begin the creation of peace within your own life and believe in the power of it now.

Whenever I sense society being out of control and it triggers my own fears, it is comforting to know I have something I can do that will bring me balance and peace. It could even potentially help hold the new energy steady for humanity. I do not believe this is an egocentric illusion. I feel it is a Spiritual practice that can build, one person at a time.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK

This is my first memory: My family is taking a trip to Yellowstone National Park. It is 1954 and we are driving our new yellow and white Ford. I am in the back seat asleep as we enter the park. I sit up and sleepily look out of the car window and am a bit disoriented about where I am. All of a sudden we drive around a corner and see a herd of about a dozen moose. They are grazing on some grass quite a distance away (far enough for us to see them well, yet feel safe). I did not know what they were. They were huge and the park was a beautiful cacophony of blues and greens and felt very serene. I was 4 years old.

I remember a lot about this trip to Yellowstone. Of course, Old Faithful was fun and my brother and sister and I tried to be the one to say exactly when it would blow. There were tiny cabins that we stayed in to the right of Old Faithful. I especially remember the geysers and walking on the path through them. I can still see the blue, green and yellow water bubbling up from the earth and smell the sulfur and other fumes wafting up. There was a tremendously strong river that went through one part of the park and it had made a deep canyon. At one place there were steps—hundreds of them—that went down, down, down, to a small platform where water with incredible force splashed us. That was pretty scary and I remember gladly taking my dad’s hand so I wouldn’t go tumbling in.

Then, of course, there was feeding the bears out of the car window. I remember feeding them Twinkie pieces and even having my picture taken alone with a bear standing outside the car. What were my parents thinking ?!???????? This activity is strictly forbidden today.

The next time I went to Yellowstone National Park I was twenty-five and traveling and camping cross-country for the summer with a friend. We had camped in a field looking at the Grand Tetons the night before entering Yellowstone. It was a perfect evening with a totally clear sky with a gazillion stars, a full moon, a camp fire and the outline of the mountains majestically looming above in the distance. Ahhh... What can I say…

The first thing I saw when we entered Yellowstone Park (no, I was not sleeping!) was a pair of white swans floating gracefully down a beautiful blue stream. I was enchanted. The natural wonders of the park were the same as I had remembered them from when I was four. The little cabins had been replaced by an awesome lodge made from huge logs. It was magnificent! Right outside the lodge we waited for Old Faithful to go, and it did right when it was supposed to, to the delight of the small crowd gathered around it.

I started thinking about Yellowstone again last week when I heard a report on NPR radio about the power of the potential volcanic eruption in Yellowstone. They said it would be many thousands of times greater that Mt. St. Helens. Geologists believe the Yellowstone volcanoes erupted 2.1 million, 1.3 million and 650,000 years ago, showing a release cycle of approximately every 650,000 years.

Then I was at a friend’s house playing cards and she had a National Geographic with Yellowstone National Park on the front cover and many pictures and an article inside. It also talked about the volcanic activity at Yellowstone.

Last night I opened my July issue of Sedona Journal of Emergence magazine to an article on Yellowstone National Park and the Great Tetons. This article, entitled The Ascension Infinity Portal: The Bossom of Gaia was written by James Tyboronn. It spoke about the parks as a micro-portrait of all the titanic forces that form our Earth today.

According to this article, this area is vaulted to a higher energy place, as has been prophesized. It occurred on the Solstice of June 21, 009, when the two vortexes of Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons merged into one called the “infinity ascension portal”. The article brings up some interesting points of views and explains the template of vortex-portal systems, how Yellowstone is the Serengeti of North America, the Clemental Kingdom and Obsidian Cliff, the crown chakra resonances, the helix counter spin flow, the unique healing of the geysers, the new ascension infinity vortex-portal, the elixir of life, and the balancing force of the volcanoes.

This article is fascinating and soul-opening and very much worth reading. The article points out the healing place Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons have become and how they are far more than National Parks. Tyboronn says “The unique area of Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons is the classic reproduction of all the harmonics and frequencies of the heavens that are available to us on the ascending Earth plane. It is a harmonic symphony, caring all the frequencial notes of the ascension. It will strongly emerge as a new pilgrimage site.”

I am thrilled that my first memory was in Yellowstone Park. In talking with people who have visited, they all have fantastic stories to tell about their being there. I am already planning a trip there again to experience the wonders and healing power of this sacred place.

Weaving My Life

The finished basket sat on the kitchen table. Its newly stained reeds sparkled as a beam of light shone across the room in a wide triangle. I examined the precision of the handiwork and found it difficult to believe I had woven it myself.

The first step had been choosing which basket I was going to make. I poured through a pile of basketry books my friend had left. I found many that were extraordinarily beautiful but they seemed too complicated for me to make in the two days left of my vacation. I found one that was pleasing as well as manageable. Yes, this was the one. I carefully cut 19 pieces of reed 32 inches long and then 27 pieces 36 inches long. I soaked them in the sink for a while.

I couldn't help but feel the connection to the deeper weaving of things in my life. It was as though each reed represented some experience or person I'd had in my life through the years. As I carefully laid out the runners I couldn't help but name each one with my life musings. They lay flat on the table, equally spaced and orderly. I wished those experiences they represented could have been so easy to see, to put down, so flat and equally space to the next one, so cleanly aligned.

Then I took the weavers out from being soaked and, reading the pattern offered in the instructions I began the task of weaving--starting with the bottom. It was so much like life to get the correct numbers of ups and overs. I thought of the mistakes I had made in my life as I took out a row here and there I did incorrectly. The foundation, just like in life, had to be done and re-done until it was correct because it made the entire basket strong. A solid foundation was the important beginning of my life, too.

It was exciting to see the pattern emerge as the bottom came together. Surely there was a pattern in my life experiences that I would find fascinating if I could view it in the same way as the basket.

Bringing up the strikers to form the sides of the basket was perhaps one of the most difficult parts. Just like in life, I wanted to quit when i got to this part. But I was happy that I got through the resistance and fear of the the unknown so that I could continue on with the weaving.

I chose a different pattern from the one the book suggested to continue my weaving up. How like me to strike out on my own and find my own way. The basket was recognizable as a basket now as I wove one over one under. I felt the ease of certain times in my life when things were going well, regular, known and easy. I didn't even mind using the awl to push the weave tightly together.

Then I hit another difficult snag. I had gotten to the top and again didn't know how in the world I was going to finish off the edge. I went back and after reading and re-reading the instructions I asked my friend for help. Asking for help felt new in my life. Asking for help and letting someone know I didn't have all the answers or even a clue felt good. With my friend's help we attached the inside and outside hoops that I carefully wove into place with waxed cord around the top. I stepped back and looked. It looked like a completed basket!

I held it carefully as I would anything new and fragile in my life. It was surprising to feel the strength of the basket. I wondered how often I had perceived something as fragile that was really strong? The weaving was helping me experience my life in an entirely new way.

All that was left was the staining. For that I chose to mix red oak with grey maple. This made the reeds have a warm but olden glow. I liked it.

The entire process of making the basket had given me an entirely new view of life. Taking each piece and weaving into the basket had helped me appreciate the parts of my life I had singled out as mistakes. It helped me see the patterns in my life. It also had shown me how I deal with life, new things and the unknown with creativity and care.

I am waiting now for the stain to dry so I can pack the basket in my suitcase and take it home.

End of Life Travels

Every June I leave the sweltering, oppressive heat of Southern Arizona and travel to the Finger Lakes region of Upstate New York for a couple of weeks. The lush green environment rejuvenates my soul and helps me remember who I am.

This year I am taking a different course than my usual running around visiting lots of people, trying to nurture our now 'long distance 'friendships. It is not that I don’t want to see them, it’s just that this year three of my friends are reaching the ends of their lives and I feel a strong need to spend quality time with them.

What makes me think they are reaching the end of their lives? Why do I make that assumption? It is the sparkle in their eyes that is no longer there. They have dark circles under their eyes and thin yellowing skin. They have no more energy to go on and are not looking forward. Each of them expresses a kind of 'giving up'. None of this is spoken, it just is there in the room so loud that nothing else can be heard.

Mrs. Giffert is 93. She was very welcoming to me in my late teens when her daughter Marlene, my college roommate, would bring me home for weekends. They became like a family to me. I don’t recall any specific memories when I think back, just a feeling of much-needed loving and consistency.

My first night back on this trip I went to her home to stay up with Mrs. Giffert and let my dear sleep-deprived friend, who is working during the day and taking care of her mother at night, get a night’s sleep. Because Mrs. Giffert didn’t remember me until the next morning when I was leaving, it made for an extremely agitated and long night. That often happens when there is a lot of confusion and you change the routine of things.

What must it be like to have your mind unavailable to you? In this moment things are familiar but then, there is no moment and the past is already a blur. It makes keeping track of where you are nearly impossible. There is only now, which is what we are told is all that is. That seems to be out of context within the life of a human with this challenge in their life. There needs to be some sort of context. Some before and after are needed as a reference point. Mrs. Giffert’s nows are filled with pain, suffering, worry, agitation, and walking with her walker up and down split-level stairs on fragile legs. Her nows have no quality left in them.

Rodger and Virginia have been dear friends for twenty years since I moved in across the street from them. They have no children, my mother died early and I was estranged from my father, so Rodger, Virginia and I gradually adopted each other. Five years ago I never gave much thought, when I moved two thousand miles away, about the stress the long distance would cause all of us at the end of their lives. It has given me many days of anaxt and a strong feeling of helpless as their health has deteriorated and they have had more need for help, love and attention.

Two weeks before I arrived, Virginia was hit by a car as she was crossing the road in front of their house to get the mail. She didn’t see or hear the car. Even though the hospital sent her home that night with a clean bill of health, she knew she had broken a hip. A week later she was re-admitted and had surgery the same day.

I was horrified when I heard about the accident and agonized about moving my trip up a week to be with them. Rodger, who had taken care of his ailing Mother from the age of 12 by himself, would not accept my offer of coming back early. I respected his wishes and left my plans as I had originally made them.

I have always respected and loved my elders and been able to be fully present with them, especially at the end of their lives. For those whose minds remained sharp, I fully understand their need to maintain their independence as long as possible. For those in confusion, I am able to be with them as they are and offer them the safety and gentle caring they need. With both, I have felt the strong importance of allowing them the dignity they deserve and need.

There is a huge internal conflict within me about my role in friendships, no matter what the age, now that I live so far away from everyone. I hold love for everyone in my heart, but the physical distance creates problems and confusion. I know how I feel about my friends but wonder if my physical absence makes it so that they don’t feel I am still there for them? Does my day to day absence cancel out my true intentions of being there?

I need to ask my friends, especially the elderly ones, if they feel they can ask me for whatever they need. For instance, do they know that I would jump on a plane and come back in a heartbeat if they needed my help. Perhaps it would good for me to see and understand the situation from their eyes and hopefully expand my point of view.

It is difficult to ask for help or receive it, no matter what your age. Young people need to do things by themselves to test their wings and learn from their successes and mistakes. Elders want to maintain their independence as long as possible and feel asking for help threatens this basic need. Maybe I need to learn to ask and receive help better myself so I can be more supportive, understanding, and patient with others who have difficulty accepting help. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could easily ask for help and truly open up and appreciate what we are offered? It would be a different world.

It seems like on this trip I am being given the gift of seeing my behaviors reflected back to me in the responses of these precious old folks. Don’t you find honest life situations are the most difficult ones to understand without running or turning away? Accepting the immanent loss if these friends brings up many feelings. Accepting the limitations of being human makes me angry, sad, and grateful. Letting go simply cannot be avoided. We are all fragile when it comes to the end of our life.

It feels like I had to leave the sizzling heat to come to the cool stillness of these basic human issues. Having good friends is a magnificent gift and loving makes it difficult to lose them. It hurts. Life and death are challenging and can open you up to others and yourself like nothing else. As hard as it is, I feel lucky to have the opportunity to spend time with and simply be with these people who I love so much.

Wisdom Misunderstood

In my family of origin I am the youngest of three children. My brother is six and a half years older and my sister sixteen months. Growing up in the Mid-West in the '50s, there was a strong hierarchy of power that discouraged change and encouraged continuity, like the cycles of the seasons. The hierarchy seemed to have its roots in Christianity, which made duplicating the domination easy without questioning its source.

This view of the way the world worked was stringently enforced by those in authority. From my child's eyes, they (adults, particularly men) seemed to me to be given this power without earning it. The privilege of having this authority implied there were those at the other end of the spectrum who had no power or control at all.

I was one of them. Along with the women and other children, we went along with the inequitable situation without question or saying a word. The pattern filtered down through the families and the hierarchy was even allowed with siblings. Needless to say, having an older brother put me at the bottom of the pack.

My perception of this situation at the time was that those who were endowed with this power were seen and treated as wise. Wisdom was therefore synonymous with authority and power and was glorified. Wisdom, as lived out by those at the top of the hierarchy, was supposed to solidify tradition and create the "same" predictable outcomes.

To them, wisdom, by holding onto its truths of yesterday, pulled us back into the past and kept us on the treadmill of perpetuating the same old way. Wisdom was required to defend its' position. It had everything to prove and nothing to learn. This kept us in the cage of conformity--the place where no growth was possible or allowed. I found the beliefs of having no change deeply oppressive.

Wisdom, from their point of view, provided a false sense of discovery. It masqueraded as the pearl of great price while it did nothing for us when we were confronted with the unknown vastness of our being. When we felt the fear surrounding our own expansion and growth, wisdom pulled us back into constriction's safety. Everyone was expected to stay within the safe zone and not question it.

I knew from the time I was a little girl that wisdom as it surrounded my life was distorted. I knew true wisdom was the place where growth lives. It seemed to me that growth turned what we thought we knew into a bigger unknown through our life experiences. To me, growth was supposed to be an open companion of awareness, not constricted by it. The picture I had in my mind of what life was supposed to be was enormous and much more open than the world I lived in.

Being the youngest, it was automatically assumed I was the least wise. This gave me the freedom to rely on my own instincts. My innocence birthed truth and unfortunately butted heads with their version of wisdom. This was not popular. It felt as though I was pushing against those in authority while I was actually just enjoying my journey of discovery.

I feel lucky now as an adult that my birth order and gender put me in the position to question authority and the false wisdom that was so ingrained it was taken for granted. It allowed me to let my truth unfold, which put me on the path of being a seeker. Seeking came directly out of my innocence and curiosity. Innocence became, for me, the revealing of truth.

As I separated from my family and their beliefs about what I considered to be false wisdom, I was freed from their authority. I let go of their power to control my future and make me a victim of the past. I was free to gain my own version of wisdom, which was much more conscious than theirs. I found the source of the authentic wisdom within myself. I have gained sovriegnity over my own life, am discovering my own beliefs and can now embrace life with all its constant changes without fear.

Death Of My Friend

Champion Arty Come Lately
April 24, 1994 - April 2, 2009

After Abracadabra died Mid-November, Ladybug seemed to skip over grief and never turned back to miss her sister. She hung out contentedly with Arty--through his failing health, as he visibly weakened daily from not eating. She didn't seem to notice when he couldn't walk anymore.

Earlier that day I had called the veterinarian to bring Arty in to put him down to sleep. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow morning at 7:45", met my request. I knew, with only a Mother's knowing, that the time was NOW and tomorrow would be too late. As it turned out it was not only too late but too long.

Mid-afternoon, I came around the corner of the bedroom and found Arty sprawled on the floor with each of his feet going in one of the four directions. He had taken his last steps. I gently lifted him and laid him in his dog bed. Shortly after, as I lay on the floor, rolled on my side petting him, he had his first convulsion.

I immediately jumped into "HELP" mode, totally ignoring my feelings of inadequacy and my ignorance of what to do. The convulsions were mild at first, although I didn't know that at the time. It was only later, after I had stayed up with him all night, I realized that those early ones had been mild.

Arty had my heart. He was the "most beautiful dog I have ever seen", my sister would say. I leaned that way in my own biased thinking. He had been my dear friend from the moment I first laid eyes on him and our friendship grew stronger each year of the twelve we spent together. We understood and respected each others' need for unconditional love. I don't feel he was ever once disappointed in my humanness and I felt deep pride in watching him become more and more of a dog. In his later years, he actually became a full-fledged canine and he was happy.

I can still see him running full-out across the wide green expanse of the park we frequented in our early years together. He was a picture of Grace. Balance. Joy. Even then, Hobbit's vision blurred and Arty stepped right in to guide her, even on their park runs. After a long-enough run he gently brought her back to me. He was by her side day and night and when she died, he sank into a deep grief that lasted a good four years. Her absence broke his heart.

It was when we moved across the country that he began come out of himself and notice his Tibbie sisters and me. The introverted perspective gave way to the world again and he began to enjoy life again. Like the sunshine part of the country we now call "home" he warmed up from the inside out. It was like having the old Arty back, new and better than ever.

I wonder, even now, if it was our strong attachment to each other that created our last awful night together so we could let go? It made the break clean. Necessary. Final. We acted out our entire relationship in that one last precious, tedious, nightmare night.

Ladybug, who I believe always thought wanted to be an only dog, mirrors my grieving now. I see it in her eyes and in her wandering aimlessly through the house looking for something that is no longer here. Arty's absence is more difficult that his death was, for me. So, we wait for our hearts to heal, knowing another Tibetan Spaniel is waiting for us to be swooped up into our lives. Into our hearts. Into our forever home.

Dancing Nightmare

Women in the "fifties" were trapped in a small world of strict stereotyped roles that required them to take care of others while being dependent and feeling helpless. There was little possibility to do anything but stay at home and take care of your family. Our society took away women's hopes and dreams and it was not unusual for the women to live the aspects of themselves they were repressing through their children. It was acceptable to give your children a better life than you had had.

My mother, by the time I was born, was in her late thirties and had sunk into a deep depression. I'm certain that society's expectations had collided with her unlived life with such magnitude that having another child was the last straw. She found her escape, though. Every Saturday she would load us kids in the car and drive 50 miles to the nearest city and give us an opportunity to do some of the things she wanted to be doing herself.

I know this is a simple "child-version" explanation of the following story. I recognize my tale is seen through the eyes of a child even now. I suspect my mother's reasons for doing what she did had more complicated underpinnings. All I know is that her actions have never been fully understandable to me and were not tuned into or good for me and my sister.

When I was 4 years old I begged to learn to dance. I don't remember seeing anyone dance, so I have no idea where I got the idea. I have no clue why my mother responded as she did to my demands, which she usually ignored. Before I knew it, I was standing in a dance class with my older sister with little pink leather slippers on my feet. I don't remember any more than that single frame from that class but I can tell you in detail what happened next. And, it went on for a long time. Ask my sister. She will tell you!

Dorothy Thomas was an older woman with big teased dyed black hair. On Saturdays she taught half-hour tap, ballet, modern dance and acrobatic classes, one after the next, to lots of cute little blond girls. She was an astute business woman and her dance classes ran like clockwork. The girls paraded through the basement studio in her house from morning until night.

I couldn't help from comparing myself and remember well the humiliation of not being a petite blond bombshell. My long, thin, athletic legs put my brown ponytail a foot above them. I felt ineffectively protective and bad for my sister, too, because she was older and taller than me. Only Sherri Breathow's brunette curls towered above us all. I couldn't help feeling like a freak and I didn't like it.

Did I tell you about the Mothers? They were perhaps the most painful of anything about this experience. They would drive up to the house in their new pink Thunderbirds and walk down the stairs in tight-fitting stylish clothes, high heal shoes and bungle jewelry. There were beautiful and knew it and didn't hesitate to flaunt it.

My mother, on the other hand, though beautiful 10 years prior, had let herself go and lost her attractiveness and was embarrassingly overweight. She had a standing appointment to get her hair done after dance classes at Palateers each week--which didn't make her look good in the dance basement. I could feel how badly she felt about herself. She wore frumpy old clothes until they wore out and then kept on wearing them.

There was a sitting area for the mothers. The other mothers would sit together and gossip, talk and laugh. They would applaud their shining-star daughters who always stood in the front row of every class. I was certain the mothers had all been cheerleaders in their high schools from the way they formed their clique and cheered for their little aspiring dancers.

My sister and I were country bumpkins, driving into the city from a town of 800 people. The others were from the suburbs and were used to being in large groups and being treated like princesses. My mother sat by herself on her folding chair in the corner and didn't talk to the other mothers. Or maybe they excluded her, I'm not sure. Anyway, I just remember how unhappy she looked.

She would sit and frown. As a young child, I was unable to discern her unhappiness from my own and was certain that she was disapproving of me. I was shy by nature and all I wanted to do was hang back and disappear, even in familiar situations. I was overly sensitive to criticism and disapproval of any kind--especially from my mother. I took EVERYTHING personally. It was not a good environment for me to feel good about myself.

These classes were excruciating for me! I enjoyed tap dancing and excelled at acrobatics. Ballet and modern dance were out of my comfort zone, though, and got worse the older I got. It was particularly grim when I got on toe shoes.

I was nine years old by then and strongly felt the whole dance experience was torturous and awful. After expressing my feelings and asking to quit didn't work, I began to try other measures. My sister joined me and the two of us pleaded to no avail. I decided the only way out of this dismal scene was to rebel. So I refused to use my arms while toe dancing for a year. Fortunately, I was athletic enough to balance without them. After the year with still no signs of being able to stop dance lessons, I gave up my rebelling and began to use my arms again.

Every year Dorothy Thomas rented the Auditorium Theater downtown and put on a Dance Review. This affair was complete with fancy custom-made costumes for each number you were in. All of the other girls had a seamstress make their outfits so they all looked alike. My mother made my sister's and mine. We always looked embarrassingly different from the others. Then we were happy to be in the back row having the crowd looking at Marilyn Boone, Cathy Leaver and the others.

I hated the dance reviews, as you can imagine. The huge auditorium with its lights and live band in the pit was overwhelming. I don't remember much about these events because I was too frightened, but I do know I was really happy when the picture-taking, dancing and hoop-la was over for that year.

The dance lessons continued year after year until I was 15. I don't remember why I was finally allowed to stop, but I cannot begin to tell you how ecstatic I was. Even though my mother's reasons for sticking out dance lessons for so long remain a mystery to me, I don't believe her intentions were malicious or cruel. They certainly had much more to do with her than my sister and me. I wonder if she thought she was sacrificing to give us opportunities to get out of her stuck world as soon as we could? (which we all did.) I suspect she thought that at least we would develop a sense of getting away from the repressed life she hated so much.

I vowed that I would never beg for anything again. I hope my sister has forgiven me. To this day, she remains the first person to remind me, "you have to be careful what you ask for."

MAKING MY WAY THROUGH CHANGE

I am in a quandary. Everyday I have more questions than answers. I guess that is part of being human today. Our world is being disassembled one piece at a time right before our eyes. We are immersed in fear and insecurity. The changes seem to be happening so quickly I suspect we will only fully understand the transformation in hindsight.

Some days it seems as though humanity is deteriorating rather than getting better. Other days it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes it looks like humanity is doomed, but I really don't believe this in my heart.

All I can sense for certain is that something very unusual is happening. Are we being nudged by our higher intelligence onto the path of consciousness? Are we on the edge of a brand new frontier? Our entire world is in flux and I am sensing a brand-new, more light-filled existence is in the making.

The overwhelming feeling of having so many variables at play makes me uncertain of how best to navigate this vast unknown. How can I proceed without "seeing" what is in front of me? How can I know if the steps I am personally taking are leading anywhere constructive?

I find some comfort in "knowing" a few things and consider them often to help find my way. First, I believe that my soul came in at this auspicious time prepared to deal with all the changes. I believe I have been developing key qualities throughout my life that helps me make optimal use of being alive now during the twenty-first century.

I feel the quickening of humanity's evolutionary cycle is giving me the opportunity to wake up my soul's potential and address unfinished business. It is hard to imagine the roles and identities I have been living could be unlearned and become increasingly empowering. At the core of my being I know there is nothing to fix. My essence is pure and perfect. The things that need to be addressed and cleared are the layers of dysfunction I have taken on from my past human conditioning.

Another thing I understand is the importance of living in the present moment. This means deciding right now that the energy of what I can create with my thoughts, feelings and actions matters in each and every moment. I was taught to look back on the past and to plan for the future. I believe this training came from a fixed, linear perspective that is part of the old-paradigm world that is crumbling.

Creation isn't limited to what I have done before. It involves unlimited possibilities. I was taught to think in limited ways and to regard myself as small and insignificant and needing outside direction and help. The new shift gives me a broader perspective. It wakes me up to my divine nature and reminds me that I am the one who creates my world.

In deciding my next moves, I feel the need to become increasing skilled in managing my energy, not only my physical energy but also my emotional and mental states. I need to be acutely conscious about how I am thinking and feeling. I believe the way to do this is by monitoring my thoughts and emotional states, without judgment, to better understand and harness my own energy.

I feel there is an increased need to listen to what my body is telling me, honoring its messages and taking intelligent action based on what I discover. My body gives me the information about what is happening in my inner and outer worlds.

I need to begin paying more attention to activities or people in my life that leave me feeling drained. I refuse to give my power away by blaming others for my discontent. It is important for me to consider what specifically is triggering disharmony within myself. By looking deeply inside myself I should be able to pinpoint any painful patterns that are catalyzed in these situations and take action to remedy what I find.

It is time to actualize my greatest resource: the ability to discern and disseminate the truth about my world and myself. I need to stop walking around blindly feeling hopelessly lost instead of having an awareness of what is real. I can find clarity about what is real, who to believe and trust and where to go next by developing spiritually and dropping the baggage of my past. It feels important to recognize my spiritual transformation is a process and not a punishment. That should make it easier to accept what is. I want to fight the urge to stay in my comfort zone and resist and fight the changes, because intuitively I feel that would only lead to needless suffering.

Maybe I have more direction than I thought. I have always believed that the answers are present in the questions. Hopefully, listening to my questions and being committed to growing will lead me out of my quandary and into a full and conscious life.

Where Psychology and Spirituality Meet

“My destiny is to create more consciousness. The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” Carl Jung

Psychological and spiritual work are both necessary for full human realization. They are meant to move both separately and simultaneously as life unfolds. At this time in our human evolution, it is more important than ever to grasp the importance of this process.

Psychological work is a linear chronology leading us from problem to solution, from inadequacy to competence, from dysfunction to high-level functioning.

Spiritual work is a journey from the compelling attachments of the neurotic ego to a Here-and-Now centered Self. This journey has no goal, as in the ego’s effort-oriented work. It is a path that takes us back home to ourselves where a sacred connection of all that has happened before and seemed irreconcilable awaits us. Everything in life then seems to fit. Achieving spiritual connectedness is just what we needed to achieve our destiny of conscious wholeness.

Both ego work and spiritual work combine effort (gain through pain) and effortless shifts (gain through grace). We move ourselves and we are moved onward. The steps we take in ego work shifts us gently and automatically into insight and into healthier ways of being and relating.

In both these strands of our human tapestry, as in evolution, there are synchronous unplanned spurts of quantum growth. We are then receiving the grace (gift) of progress beyond our own effort or control. We begin noticing new sources of power and wisdom both within and around us.

An example of the congruence of psychological and spiritual work is in dealing with the hurts of childhood. Psychologically, we work through the emotions by grieving the past and by self-parenting. Spiritually, we work with the past experiences as present healing images. These images may reveal that what wounded us also sensitized us. We need all the experiences of our life, both positive and negative, to become as emotionally and spiritually rich as we are.

As we learn to honor timing, we may notice that we alternate between psychological and spiritual emphases in life. At one time, our main motive may be to seek out and respond to challenges, to take hold and become deeply involved in projects and relationships. This is functional ego work and takes rightful precedence over letting go. At another time, what will work best for us are choices that lead to fewer encumbrances, to lightening up, and letting go. This is spiritual unfolding and takes priority over ego goals.

Psychological work ultimately leads us to closure and to the goal of change: healthier self-esteem and more productive relationships. Spiritual work leads us to continual transformations of consciousness: an ever-actualizing Self in touch with inner healing powers both for ourselves and others. In this transformed state, we feel a sense of the numinous, and a blissful and loving oneness with all beings and things. We experience a reconciliation of apparent opposites and a realization that, though all of this is known in one simultaneous instant, no word can ever describe it.

Our individuation or mature self-realization as human beings can never occur within a disembodied spirituality that forsakes the ego or the body. Nor can it occur while the neurotic ego, with its fear of spiritual heights, maintains its inflated illusion that there is nothing beyond itself. It is only in an axis of ego and Self that we can access all our powers and display in time what is timelessly within us.

In such a balance, the ego never again holds up or holds on to any transitory reality as permanently reliable. Rather, it enjoys a continual play of grasping and letting go, giving and receiving, working on what yields to change and resting with what does not yield. Our journey is from and through the transitory to the imperishable, from ego attachments through ego strength to the unconditional love that is our spiritual self.