My perceptions about myself were greatly altered this weekend when I was left in charge of caring for five sick puppies. My first response to taking on the responsibility was a resounding “NO”! Two of the puppies had died the day before my stint began.
Emotionally I felt overwhelmed, overburdened, and scared. Never in my life had I given a shot, let alone sub-Q fluids. Doing it was beyond my comprehension and comfort level. It was the holiday weekend and everyone who might have done it was going to be out of town. The choice came down to either my stepping up to the plate or putting the puppies to sleep. I couldn’t handle either choice, but putting them down did not feel like an option.
Personal growth is a curious phenomenon. In this case, it was as if some part of me was asleep. I heard and felt the messages that wanted to move me forward. Yet there was heavy inertia to stay asleep and in my comfort zone. Waking up to face the challenge took courage and a lot of energy. The resistance was ferocious.
Without my wanting it, my sleeping unconsciousness had come to an end and my engagement in the “new” was the journey I was on. I felt the strong desire to run away and stay in my stupor. In order to cope with the situation I realized I needed support so I enlisted help from my neighbors. Their presence in the process made me feel not so alone with the task and helped me calm myself down.
Taking care of very sick puppies felt like a BIG thing and began to show me how far I had lifted my head off the pillow. My first attempt at changing a needle was a disaster. I poked myself hard under my fingernail and bled profusely.
There was a waxing and waning of energy as the days passed. I would feel good, like I was making a difference when the puppies showed signs of improvement or stabilization and then defeated and deflated when one of them died.
I could sense my mind giving me negative messages in its own feeling language. This language was limited to my life experience, which in this case I had none. I could watch my mind exposing my inadequate knowledge and capabilities followed closely by an emerging new confidence that was exhilarating. As I proceeded through the days, I began to see and appreciate the less-than admirable parts of who I am.
Both the waxing and the waning were assisting me to glean further insights into myself, helping me relate in a fuller, more complete way. The waning was revealing parts of myself that I no longer needed. It was revealing my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and feelings of worthlessness.
As the weaknesses were exposed by the receding energies, I could feel the ebb and flow in my external world
too, interacting with my natural process of realization and awakening. I was gaining strength and hope when I stayed conscious. This would be closely followed by moments of moving back into the disconnection that had been my norm.
I began to wake up more and more. I began to see the times of disconnection clearly within myself trying to return to my old way of thinking and make me feel bad. I began to lose my fear of needles and accept my new perceptions.
As the weekend progressed, the movement of energies and thoughts became increasingly more evident when the old feelings of doubt would return. I didn’t give in to the depression and sublimation of my own knowing and I especially didn’t give up on my own inner journey. When things seemed impossibly difficult on the outside, I started turning inward and loving myself. The waxing and waning being revealed inside at these times was showing me the changes that were being made.
What I was experiencing was reflecting who I had been internally. Here was my opportunity. I was beginning to know the parts of myself I was ready to change. Giving that my attention made it possible to grasp when the external challenges came my way. My feelings began to change from those of being afraid, overwhelmed and feeling incompetent to confident and compassionate for the struggling puppies and me.
The situation I had manifested in my life was waking me to parts of myself that had previously felt more comfortable asleep. The turbulence of what was demanded externally could only be seen when I felt the most despair. It was a time of honest assessment. These times became shorter and shorter as my perspective and perceptions of myself changed.
The weekend is over and four of the puppies are getting healthy, eating, drinking water and have no more need for medical intervention. I commend my willingness to allow myself to witness my perceived limitations and the courage I had to grow and change. Life gives us many opportunities to expand our views internally and this opens up new ways of thinking, feeling, and being in our external world. Who would have thought taking care of sick puppies would have been such a life-altering experience?
