“I am not lost for I know where I am. But however,
where I am may be lost.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
When I
arrived back to Colorado after being away three weeks I felt as though I was in
shock. Everyone I talked with said it was “normal” to feel “off” coming back
this way from Europe—“it would take a day and a half for each time zone
traveled”—“it took them over a week”.
So, I let
myself be gentle, nurturing, listening, caring, still. I quieted the chastising
inner voice that was annoyed as I slept when I was tired, ate when I was
hungry, didn’t go to my classes at the Recreation Center and generally cut off
all activity with the outer world.
It would
rear its ugly head and spew out angry, vicious accusations. This was
challenging the first few times I did venture out—to make a phone call, get
groceries, gas up my vehicle--because I couldn’t help but feel bombarded both
internally and externally.
I was
reminded of other times when “everything just seemed to be going wrong”. I have
distinct memory of trying to move through those times of blocks and seeming
mazes. Each time I was left exhausted and going nowhere.
“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you
think of things, you find sometimes that a thing which seemed very thingish inside
you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people
looking at it”. – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Since I
have been forced to pause, I will take the opportunity to reflect. What I feel
is as if there has been some sort of shift. I don’t know if I have
energetically changed, my world has or a little of both. All I am certain of is
that my energy in relation to other people and things in my life is different.
“Different”
is quite vague, I realize. The subtlety of the change—while I feel it as huge and
final—has an indistinct, nebulous and temporary quality about it. My experience of
it is not unlike being on a train and having the breaks thrown on and slowly
screeching to a loud and grinding halt. You are still intact, still on track, but stopped for no reason that you know.
How is
this manifesting in my life? I don’t feel like I fit in my skin. I am tenuous
about knowing who I am, who I have been and who I will become. The most
noticeable manifestation comes from the recoiling dislike of me I feel from
other people. Rejection would be a mild feeling-word to describe this phenomenon. I wonder
what my vibration and energy are doing to attract this?
What am I
doing with this disconcerting experience? Nothing. Everything. I am lying low,
not taking anything personally, letting people and things fall away, holding
steady through the disappointment and confusion I feel and spending a majority
of my time alone.
The one
thing I am certain of and grateful about this familiar experience is—it won’t last forever.
I will patiently ride it out, appreciate my solitude, cherish my ability to
love and take good care of myself through this slow-moving and dark time and
have the wisdom and maturity to trust the transformation and conscious change
that will become apparent when this is over.
“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh.
“There, there,” said Piglet, “I will bring you tea and honey until you do.”
–A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
