A friend asked me the other day if I resembled my mother when I looked in the mirror. My immediate response was to say that I am older now than my mother was when she died, so I didn't honestly know. Then I talked briefly about looking down at my arms and hands and seeing my mom’s.
I felt a tinge defensive and couldn’t in that moment identify exactly why. Having thought about it since I realize I am just beginning to experience the awkwardness of my age. Next month I will turn 65. Becoming an Elder is not something that feels familiar and I am floundering a bit with it.
When I look at myself in the mirror I do not recognize the person I feel I am. The image is older, has grey hair, brown spots on her face, wrinkles at her eyes and around her mouth. She looks back at me with the same eyes I’ve always known but they are not as bright and shinny as in my youth.
I am fascinated looking at my new knee I had replaced last summer. It is clearly not mine. It is swollen, puffy, wider than mine. It is numb along one side—adding to the confusion of whose it really is.
I walk across the room and do not feel in the body I’ve always known. That body was energetic, limber, resilient, strong, sure of itself. This body now is slow, weak, stiff, tentative. It gives me pause to wonder if it could possibly be me?
I do not know my mind either. Words simply are not available sometimes. It is the oddest sensation. I can visualize a person I've known well and yet their name escapes me. I try throughout the day to bring it back. Sometimes it takes several days or longer to remember. Then, out of the blue, the name slips in like a key in a lock. There. Like I've known it all along.
Some aspects of my life have improved with age. I no longer care what people think about what I say and do. I have much more clarity about those emotional things which are mine and what has nothing to do with me. This is a wonderful thing! I think of all the years I agonized because I was afraid to speak my truth and I wonder how I made it to age 65 in such a disempowered state. When I find myself caring about what is not mine now, I stop and separate from the ideas and emotions trying to pull me in. Most of the time I don't let myself go there. It isn't good for me and I am mature enough to know better and I have many resources available to me that help me stay out of what is not my business.
My heart is another plus in the aging process. I am much more open to others, vastly more forgiving and tolerant, and find love and loving much more available and larger than before. I am less inhibited and more comfortably vulnerable to other people, ideas, the creative process, spirituality, and most importantly, to myself. I love myself more and waste less time worrying about everything. Having an open heart brings me into the present and into the now faster than anything. I love living in the moment and having an open heart is delightful!
My spirituality is becoming the main focus in my life at 65. I find myself questioning my beliefs on a moment to moment basis. Beliefs that do not serve me now I find simply drift away. Others demand I question them and find my truth. Beliefs about life and death are front and foremost in my awareness. Living my life aligned with my truths seems to be the most important practice in my life now. This is my spiritual practice. This is my life.
As I approach my 65th birthday I find time is moving quickly and at the same time each moment is taking on a slowness that is timeless. I did not think much about aging ever. I was always drawn to Elders and have had many older friends in my life. But I never considered myself as one.
Now I am starting to consider how I want to age. I am considering often what is important to me. I think a lot about what is left I feel I want to complete. I am regularly letting go of objects, people, ideas, circumstances that bring me down, regrets and anything I don't need anymore. As things I thought were important diminish I find my life feeling richer, fuller, deeper, more spacious and multi-dimensional. I find these aspects of becoming an Elder inviting and rewarding. The physical aspects of aging are much more challenging and painful.
I don't know what my mother's process of aging was since she died at age 62 and we had not yet established an adult to adult dialogue. All I know for certain is the process of aging is as individual and unique as each of us expresses. As the body changes beyond recognition, the heart and spirit spiral into view bringing their own truths. This is what I have been yearning for my entire life--to live as my true self with passion and contentment. I am beginning to sense I'm going to enjoy certain parts of being an Elder...
