Over The Years

I spent Thanksgiving with a lovely couple who have been dear friends for over 30 years. The day started out like many others we have shared over the years. For some reason, I found myself pondering and paying attention to the dynamics of friendship. It’s about this topic that I want to muse...

Wikipedia defines friends as an interpersonal relationship between two people and friendship as a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It goes on to say the value of friendship may be expressed as the benefit gained from a friend who is consistently demonstrating any of the following:

*The tendency to desire what is best for the other.

*Sympathy and empathy.

*Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult      for others to speak the truth.

*Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support.

*Enjoyment of each other’s company.

*Trust in one another.

*Positively strong, deep, close reciprocity, mutuality –equal give and take between the two parties.

*The ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment.

Throughout my life I have been blessed with many close friends. I knew as early as 4 years old the value of friendship. What was most astonishing about this first  friendship was twofold: first, she was totally, unconditionally “there” for me, and secondly, our friendship opened up the possibility of the world for me—expanding beyond my family, giving me “difference” and “other”. Even then I felt the importance of friendship.

In every part of my life I have connected with people who have become a significant part of my life. It has been as though the people I have needed to be around me have always shown up. It almost feels like I am being divinely surrounded, guided, supported and protected.

What I was made more conscious of on Thanksgiving was just what friendship is. Friendship is an organic process. It has a life of its own with seasons for dormancy, growing seasons, and maturing and harvesting time. Friendship is like a seed that needs rich ground, sunshine, water, nurturing and time to grow. We as individuals bring these qualities to a friendship with another person. Each combination of qualities is unique and defines the relationship. We are drawn to certain people and repelled by others—but when we find “our people” the organic process begins.

The seed sprouts and begins to grow into a fragile shoot. During this phase of friendship everything is tenuous. This part of friendship can take a long time as trust is built and the common ground is cared for. At this point you don’t know if you are a cucumber or a zinnia. You have no clear idea where the friendship is going. This place in a friendship often includes lots of confiding and sharing – getting to know one another.

If the relationship feels good, exciting and interesting you will generally pursue it longer. If it feels cumbersome, not good and dangerous it is best not to put energy into it and to let it go. Possibly the thing that brings the most ease as a friendship develops is allowing the other person to be where they are and who they are. Differences between people bring to us the most contrast and growth as individuals if it is allowed to be.

Here’s what happened with my Thanksgiving friends: we went from where we were to a new place. Let me explain. Our sharing started out as usual with catching up on what’s been going on in each of our lives. This initial sharing felt light, fun, familiar and loving. The many years we have had to build our friendship has created strong roots and an unquestionable trust.

Suddenly, in the midst of our sharing, the creative process began to take over. This carried with it a high- energy visceral feeling. It was a combination of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sensations and energy synergistically coming together and changing forms. We were all engaged in the conversation, each contributing pieces, stories and perceptions. With each new addition to the talking the energy expanded.

We spoke on many topics and with each new subject that was introduced the conversation changed and deepened. It became more vulnerable, more honest, more truthfully reflecting our core selves. The feelings that went along with this level of sharing were curiosity, stimulation, openness and trust, caring, gentleness, and fulfillment.

When I left their house and thought about my time  with them I realized I knew more about myself. They had reflected “me” back to myself in a new way than I had viewed myself before. I felt as though I’d been stretched out of my comfort zone and catapulted into another dimension. I had the feeling that I was now capable of reaching a much higher and mature level of friendship than ever in my life. The fruit is ripening on the vine and it is harvest time. I am humbled and deeply blessed. I love my friends!