Over The Years

I spent Thanksgiving with a lovely couple who have been dear friends for over 30 years. The day started out like many others we have shared over the years. For some reason, I found myself pondering and paying attention to the dynamics of friendship. It’s about this topic that I want to muse...

Wikipedia defines friends as an interpersonal relationship between two people and friendship as a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. It goes on to say the value of friendship may be expressed as the benefit gained from a friend who is consistently demonstrating any of the following:

*The tendency to desire what is best for the other.

*Sympathy and empathy.

*Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult      for others to speak the truth.

*Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support.

*Enjoyment of each other’s company.

*Trust in one another.

*Positively strong, deep, close reciprocity, mutuality –equal give and take between the two parties.

*The ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment.

Throughout my life I have been blessed with many close friends. I knew as early as 4 years old the value of friendship. What was most astonishing about this first  friendship was twofold: first, she was totally, unconditionally “there” for me, and secondly, our friendship opened up the possibility of the world for me—expanding beyond my family, giving me “difference” and “other”. Even then I felt the importance of friendship.

In every part of my life I have connected with people who have become a significant part of my life. It has been as though the people I have needed to be around me have always shown up. It almost feels like I am being divinely surrounded, guided, supported and protected.

What I was made more conscious of on Thanksgiving was just what friendship is. Friendship is an organic process. It has a life of its own with seasons for dormancy, growing seasons, and maturing and harvesting time. Friendship is like a seed that needs rich ground, sunshine, water, nurturing and time to grow. We as individuals bring these qualities to a friendship with another person. Each combination of qualities is unique and defines the relationship. We are drawn to certain people and repelled by others—but when we find “our people” the organic process begins.

The seed sprouts and begins to grow into a fragile shoot. During this phase of friendship everything is tenuous. This part of friendship can take a long time as trust is built and the common ground is cared for. At this point you don’t know if you are a cucumber or a zinnia. You have no clear idea where the friendship is going. This place in a friendship often includes lots of confiding and sharing – getting to know one another.

If the relationship feels good, exciting and interesting you will generally pursue it longer. If it feels cumbersome, not good and dangerous it is best not to put energy into it and to let it go. Possibly the thing that brings the most ease as a friendship develops is allowing the other person to be where they are and who they are. Differences between people bring to us the most contrast and growth as individuals if it is allowed to be.

Here’s what happened with my Thanksgiving friends: we went from where we were to a new place. Let me explain. Our sharing started out as usual with catching up on what’s been going on in each of our lives. This initial sharing felt light, fun, familiar and loving. The many years we have had to build our friendship has created strong roots and an unquestionable trust.

Suddenly, in the midst of our sharing, the creative process began to take over. This carried with it a high- energy visceral feeling. It was a combination of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sensations and energy synergistically coming together and changing forms. We were all engaged in the conversation, each contributing pieces, stories and perceptions. With each new addition to the talking the energy expanded.

We spoke on many topics and with each new subject that was introduced the conversation changed and deepened. It became more vulnerable, more honest, more truthfully reflecting our core selves. The feelings that went along with this level of sharing were curiosity, stimulation, openness and trust, caring, gentleness, and fulfillment.

When I left their house and thought about my time  with them I realized I knew more about myself. They had reflected “me” back to myself in a new way than I had viewed myself before. I felt as though I’d been stretched out of my comfort zone and catapulted into another dimension. I had the feeling that I was now capable of reaching a much higher and mature level of friendship than ever in my life. The fruit is ripening on the vine and it is harvest time. I am humbled and deeply blessed. I love my friends!

Death Of My Friend

Champion Arty Come Lately
April 24, 1994 - April 2, 2009

After Abracadabra died Mid-November, Ladybug seemed to skip over grief and never turned back to miss her sister. She hung out contentedly with Arty--through his failing health, as he visibly weakened daily from not eating. She didn't seem to notice when he couldn't walk anymore.

Earlier that day I had called the veterinarian to bring Arty in to put him down to sleep. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow morning at 7:45", met my request. I knew, with only a Mother's knowing, that the time was NOW and tomorrow would be too late. As it turned out it was not only too late but too long.

Mid-afternoon, I came around the corner of the bedroom and found Arty sprawled on the floor with each of his feet going in one of the four directions. He had taken his last steps. I gently lifted him and laid him in his dog bed. Shortly after, as I lay on the floor, rolled on my side petting him, he had his first convulsion.

I immediately jumped into "HELP" mode, totally ignoring my feelings of inadequacy and my ignorance of what to do. The convulsions were mild at first, although I didn't know that at the time. It was only later, after I had stayed up with him all night, I realized that those early ones had been mild.

Arty had my heart. He was the "most beautiful dog I have ever seen", my sister would say. I leaned that way in my own biased thinking. He had been my dear friend from the moment I first laid eyes on him and our friendship grew stronger each year of the twelve we spent together. We understood and respected each others' need for unconditional love. I don't feel he was ever once disappointed in my humanness and I felt deep pride in watching him become more and more of a dog. In his later years, he actually became a full-fledged canine and he was happy.

I can still see him running full-out across the wide green expanse of the park we frequented in our early years together. He was a picture of Grace. Balance. Joy. Even then, Hobbit's vision blurred and Arty stepped right in to guide her, even on their park runs. After a long-enough run he gently brought her back to me. He was by her side day and night and when she died, he sank into a deep grief that lasted a good four years. Her absence broke his heart.

It was when we moved across the country that he began come out of himself and notice his Tibbie sisters and me. The introverted perspective gave way to the world again and he began to enjoy life again. Like the sunshine part of the country we now call "home" he warmed up from the inside out. It was like having the old Arty back, new and better than ever.

I wonder, even now, if it was our strong attachment to each other that created our last awful night together so we could let go? It made the break clean. Necessary. Final. We acted out our entire relationship in that one last precious, tedious, nightmare night.

Ladybug, who I believe always thought wanted to be an only dog, mirrors my grieving now. I see it in her eyes and in her wandering aimlessly through the house looking for something that is no longer here. Arty's absence is more difficult that his death was, for me. So, we wait for our hearts to heal, knowing another Tibetan Spaniel is waiting for us to be swooped up into our lives. Into our hearts. Into our forever home.