Growing
up took me fifty years. Looking back to when I was little I see my idea of
being a grownup was turning 18 and leaving home. Boy, was I off base with that
one! In my first marriage when I was 21 I was lost. I remember not knowing how
to cook or even the correct way to do dishes. It became more and more clear I
had no idea who I was. I went to a therapist who said he would only work with
me if I “took responsibility for myself”. It took me a while to go back and
give it a go because I had no clue what he was talking about.
When I
was 27 my mother died and my world came unglued! At twenty-eight I made a major
move across the country, married my second (and last) husband and had a baby. I
hear from time to time people talking about a Saturn return--the first one
occurring at age 28. I am not totally clear what all that means other than the
experience I had, which was treacherous and chaotic. Then, as you can imagine,
there was a young woman (me) who didn’t know who she was, taking care of a new
human being on the planet. Yikes!
My son,
Shannon, had a baby sitter who saved my behind. When he was about 2 ½ she
approached me with the offer for Shannon and me to move in with her family so I
could get out of a difficult marriage. I jumped at the opportunity. We stayed
with them for a year and a half. Gina and John and their daughters, Becca and
Jesse, were the first “role model family” I had ever experienced. As I look
back on that time I believe I started out as an infant developmentally when I
arrived and grew about two years each month until I moved out at would have
been about age 18. The Universe gave me a chance to redo what I had missed.
During the
time I lived with them I experienced Gina as the Good Mother I had grown up
without and John as the Good Father, also absent when I was a child. Their
girls were like little sisters—and we engaged in verbal fights, felt jealous, painted
our fingernails, lay around on beds and chatted and basically acted like kids.(The
twins were 9 when we moved in.) I learned a tremendous amount about who I was,
what being a kid felt like, and a teen, as well as an adult. I also learned mother
skills. One of the things I learned was how to set boundaries and the
importance of that for children to feel safe. I learned too much to express here.
I will always be eternally grateful for my “chosen” family.
A number
of serial relationships dominated my thirties and forties. I was still
struggling to keep my head above water, make a living, finish a Masters Degree and
Ph.D., be as good a single parent as possible, start a business and work on my
inner self to help find my way. I remember those years as a combination of being
overwhelmed dealing with adult reality and trying to find stability by leaning
on relationships that were too fragile because I was incapable of keeping all
the plates in the air at the same time. I was have a challenging time being an adult.
Fifty
came quickly as a shock. It didn’t register to me that I was that chronological
age, mostly because I think I was still not feeling like it. During this
decade, though, reality hit the fan and I began to move, mostly not by choice,
into adulthood. It was gradual and took a lot of letting go to get out of the
way of the process, but at a certain point mid-way between 50 and 60 I felt as
though I had become an adult. I was confident to be alone, intrigued by how
easy and satisfying being responsible was, enjoyed thinking for myself and
making my own decisions, preferred making choices to fitting into someone else’s
idea of what I wanted and needed. It took me until I turned 60 to get solid
with this growth—to feel like a healthy adult. It wasn’t until I was in my
early 60s that I began to live my life as an adult with a little grace.
I will be
turning 65 in March. Now my eyes are opened to the next stage of my
life—growing older. That is also different than I thought when growing up. Being
old has changed from the generations before me. Now, people are living longer
and are much more active. When I was young and even into my thirties I found
people over forty “old”. Now, my friends and I cannot believe we are in our 60s
and 70s! It just does not seem real.
I am
still active and have a full life of work, play, time to be, spirituality, fun, and contemplation. I am physically active,
mentally stimulated by activities and love reading, playing, writing and
teaching music and spending time with my friends. I feel emotionally more
stable than I ever have with very few mood swings, anxiety or turmoil. My life
is calm, satisfying, interesting, rewarding, exciting, and fun.
And, when
exactly do we get “old”? It could happen in a second tomorrow or in thirty
years. Our state of mind has a great deal to do with having a quality of life worth
living. I remember talking with my friend Rodger, who died last year at the age
of 94. He said being really old is not a good time. To him, it was not worth
living after his body gave out. That is food for thought. Who knows? All I am
certain of is how pleased I am to be an adult, to be in my 60s with some
consciousness and awareness of myself, to be happy.
This
might be the first time in my life I have actually thought consciously about
where I am now and where I am going. I do a lot of things these days simply
because I can. I carefully consider what and who is in my life. I value
different things than I did when I was younger. I like my life now much more
than any other time!
