For the last 3 months I have been in excruciating pain. It
started one night when I woke up and my right leg hurt so much I could not
walk. A trip to the emergency room unearthed nothing. The first orthopedic
surgeon ordered an MRI at my insistence to determine what was going on. I was
put off by his ageist, non-directive manner so I sought a second opinion.
The second orthopedic surgeon essentially told me there was
nothing he could do. I understand now that in the orthopedic world that is code
for “I can only do surgery to help you and I don’t think you are ready to hear
that”. The discouragement when I went home after seeing him was difficult to bear.
The next fiasco was trying to get painkillers. A
miscommunication with my PCD led to six weeks going without them. During this
time my pain level was relentless and I was unable to concentrate, sleep or
think. When my doctor and I finally sorted the situation out, I finally got painkillers.
This helped about 50%. I was still in a lot of pain but the painkillers took
the edge off.
A rheumatologist finally went over my MRI with a radiologist
and told me my knee was very bad. A standing ex-ray had never been taken and
needed to be to confirm the bad condition my knee was in. Her advice was to
call the 2nd surgeon and make an appointment for surgery.
I tried this and the ball began rolling. The next day I was
in his office with his assistant looking at bone-on-bone on a standing ex-ray.
It was confirmed that a total knee replacement was appropriate for the date I
had set.
Never have I been in so much pain for so long a time. Pain
is an interesting teacher. It is relentless. It takes the upper hand and will
not let you keep up with it. Trying to stay ahead of pain is all but impossible
and once it has won its domination it stays triumphant.
Pain brain is an interesting phenomenon. There is no logic to
it. There is only physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain. The different
types of pain occupy the brain in varying ways. Sometimes only one aspect is
active. At other times they can all fire off at the same time. This amount of
pain is totally challenging and is something that can rarely be tolerated.
I tried everything to cope. Breathing helped temporarily. I
was unable to concentrate so reading, creating, and all of my usual life was
out of reach. My body hurt too much. Mental and emotional pain could be
temporarily relieved for a few moments with meditation. Spiritually I was
losing ground and I could feel my life force slipping away. I was depressed.
Depression is a familiar old friend. I have been dealing
with it for years—but never in this way. The longer the pain went on the more I
could barely hang on. I found the despair unbearable and felt it was going to
be never-ending. I clung on to my sanity by my fingernails and tried as best I
could to keep going. The life activities that had fed my soul and given me a
tremendous vitality were gone. I felt as though I had abandoned myself and had
been abandoned but had no energy to do anything about it.
What does Pain Brain feel like? There is an overlay of the
feeling of being overwhelmed by physical pain. There is a strong sense of
hopelessness and an ever-growing doubt that things will ever change. There is
no vitality or life force and it takes all your energy just to walk across the
room. Concentration is impossible. This makes reading, playing and writing
music, doing anything creative, communication with others and thinking in
general impossible. Pain Brain is all consuming, relentless and will not give
up its domination. Doing anything takes all your energy and requires rest.
Sleep is sporadic and challenging.
I feel as though I have missed the summer, a time when
activities outside bring me so much fun and pleasure. All of my energy has gone into the losing
battle with my Pain Brain. I have lost. Over and over again I have watched
myself dip deeper and deeper into oblivion.
I welcome the pain of having surgery because I know with
that there is an end in sight. I feel edgy and on have no tolerance for the
thought of more pain. I sense this in my everyday life. For instance, I will
wait several days to go down the hall to get the mail, think hard about if I
want to walk across the room to get something, welcome sleep when it comes and
have given up on reading entirely. I need this to change.
I have a new respect and appreciation for people who live
with debilitating pain all the time. I simply don’t know how they do it and
realize now that Pain Brain’s domination fills many lives everyday. I do not
know how they survive?
My surgery is coming up the last day of July. There is an
end in sight. I will not have won the battle with Pain Brain but hopefully
getting my life back will put it away for a very long time. I am not grateful
for the pain. Perhaps I will never be. I feel as though I have learned
nothing—other than I do not have any power when pain grips me so strongly. I
have been cranky and whiney and feel betrayed by my body aging. I am hoping to
regain some positive insight when this is all over. I’ll let you know.
