Today I am looking out at a dreary gray day in Colorado with tiny, nearly imperceptible snowflakes coming down. The cold and dampness does nothing for my desire to do much of anything. My usual creative, motivated self is shirking from any activity that I think of. I feel somehow disconnected from my true self—off-center and a bit beside myself.
Just writing those words begins to wake me up. I look at what I wrote: disconnected from my true self, off-center, beside myself. The red flags go up and I am onto something BIG. I have lost my connection to the Divine. I have stopped living my spiritual life and have sunk into a hum-drum life that I lived in for so many years.
The way it used to be felt “normal”. I was preoccupied with all things physical: how I looked, how what I did would be perceived by others, money and “things”. It was not a very satisfying way of life but it was what I had learned growing up.
The main thing I remember about that life was the amount of worry that it produced. It was a world immersed in the future and the past. The stress caused by worry was enormous and I never got away from it. It was a world of lack that I created and lived out. There was never enough. Not enough time, money, friends, work, love. In it, there was no connection to anything greater—no Spiritual life at all.
When I was very young I remember distinctly being connected and living a very Spiritual life, although I didn’t have the words or concepts to understand it. I spent the majority of my time in nature. I can’t guess how many trees I climbed and how much time I spent in them. I played, used my imagination, spent time with friends, prayed and hoped and dreamed in the trees. I was totally aware that there was something greater than myself that was guiding, protecting and loving me.
When did I lose track of that and begin the life of worry? It was probably around adolescence. I don’t remember exactly as it was probably a gradual movement away from Spirit instead of a sudden shift. But, to be sure, I made the transition and it wasn’t a good one.
I lived in that hollow, empty place for years. Sometimes I would get glimpses of Spirit. Playing music, cross-country skiing, certain moments with family and friends, people dying, and nature all reminded me fleetingly that there was something greater than myself that was missing from my life.
Then, there was another shift back to being connected. Or was that a gradual awakening, too? It came about after I lost everything, including my sense of self. In the place of nothingness and in-betweenness I again began to feel that I was not alone—that there was something greater. The life of Spirit came flooding in. At first I didn’t feel I deserved it. Then I gave into it and was filled with love and abundance beyond anything I had ever known.
I began to live my life with this fullness as my guide. Living in the moment became a beacon of light and I was at the center. At first, it was a very strange experience but then, like this morning, the truly strange feelings signaled that I had wandered off the path and lost my connection to the Divine. The feedback system is now firmly in place and it doesn’t take long for me to miss the good feelings of being connected.
I am humbly graced to be able to live in this amazing state of being. Oh yeah, it isn’t all the time. Mostly I try for 10% of my day. But that is a lot and I feel blessed for the opportunity to be there when I am. Now when I look out on the day I see the beauty of the specks of snow floating down, hitting the ground and turning into damp spots. I am back living my Spiritual life again. I think I will take my dog for a walk and smell the wonderful earth.
Just writing those words begins to wake me up. I look at what I wrote: disconnected from my true self, off-center, beside myself. The red flags go up and I am onto something BIG. I have lost my connection to the Divine. I have stopped living my spiritual life and have sunk into a hum-drum life that I lived in for so many years.
The way it used to be felt “normal”. I was preoccupied with all things physical: how I looked, how what I did would be perceived by others, money and “things”. It was not a very satisfying way of life but it was what I had learned growing up.
The main thing I remember about that life was the amount of worry that it produced. It was a world immersed in the future and the past. The stress caused by worry was enormous and I never got away from it. It was a world of lack that I created and lived out. There was never enough. Not enough time, money, friends, work, love. In it, there was no connection to anything greater—no Spiritual life at all.
When I was very young I remember distinctly being connected and living a very Spiritual life, although I didn’t have the words or concepts to understand it. I spent the majority of my time in nature. I can’t guess how many trees I climbed and how much time I spent in them. I played, used my imagination, spent time with friends, prayed and hoped and dreamed in the trees. I was totally aware that there was something greater than myself that was guiding, protecting and loving me.
When did I lose track of that and begin the life of worry? It was probably around adolescence. I don’t remember exactly as it was probably a gradual movement away from Spirit instead of a sudden shift. But, to be sure, I made the transition and it wasn’t a good one.
I lived in that hollow, empty place for years. Sometimes I would get glimpses of Spirit. Playing music, cross-country skiing, certain moments with family and friends, people dying, and nature all reminded me fleetingly that there was something greater than myself that was missing from my life.
Then, there was another shift back to being connected. Or was that a gradual awakening, too? It came about after I lost everything, including my sense of self. In the place of nothingness and in-betweenness I again began to feel that I was not alone—that there was something greater. The life of Spirit came flooding in. At first I didn’t feel I deserved it. Then I gave into it and was filled with love and abundance beyond anything I had ever known.
I began to live my life with this fullness as my guide. Living in the moment became a beacon of light and I was at the center. At first, it was a very strange experience but then, like this morning, the truly strange feelings signaled that I had wandered off the path and lost my connection to the Divine. The feedback system is now firmly in place and it doesn’t take long for me to miss the good feelings of being connected.
I am humbly graced to be able to live in this amazing state of being. Oh yeah, it isn’t all the time. Mostly I try for 10% of my day. But that is a lot and I feel blessed for the opportunity to be there when I am. Now when I look out on the day I see the beauty of the specks of snow floating down, hitting the ground and turning into damp spots. I am back living my Spiritual life again. I think I will take my dog for a walk and smell the wonderful earth.
