Asking For Help

In the Mid-West, where I grew up, you are taught from a young age never to ask for help. This applies to everything! Being self-sufficient is the way of life.

Growing up with first generation Swiss immigrant Grandparents added another, stricter dimension to my upbringing on the subject. It was absolutely imperative not only not to ask for anything, but if you did you were punished with silence. Silence meant shame and could last for several days.

I always wondered what it meant to them to have needs? Perhaps it was considered a sign of weakness? Maybe a sense of inadequacy that ensued from actually having needs was obscured and this might have provided a way to cope?

There was a strong tie between needs and pride. I think now that the pride aspect was probably a cover-up. The pride though, to a child, seemed to elevate the adults around me to superhuman proportions. It gave them immense power. They were not human. This fact set up a challenging world to understand and live in.

If they weren't human, what was I? Sometimes when I was little I had actual normal needs and they were more often than not ignored. This seemed to do a number of things: made me undervalue my own needs (which I still struggle with), and brought on a feeling of anger and despair.

The only person who paid attention to my needs was a Great Aunt who lived nearby. She not only acknowledged needs, she encouraged them and nurtured them as a "normal" part of life. She provided "the Other" experience for me. Although she couldn't change the situation I was in at home, she gave me another template that I have adopted more and more as I have matured.

Now I have created a network of friends who are my "chosen family". They accept my humanness and give me lots of room to make mistakes, have needs and celebrate my courage and victories in life. We take each other, "as we are".

This allows for a wonderful give and take in all aspects of our relationships. The resoprocity does not need to be direct. If I need something they can give to me freely and without question and I can return the gesture to someone else or to them at another time and situation. The exchange seems to me to be the way life is supposed to be.

Paying forward is more than a concept to me in my life now. When I invest energy into someone, it comes back a thousand fold. When someone invests in me, I am motivated to give to whoever needs my help and it helps me believe more in myself.

I believe this is the way the Universe works. There is a growing gratitude in me every time I can acknowledge my needs and ask for help or help someone else in need. I appreciate so much the belief other people have in me and are willing to support me and allow me to give to and support them.

I have deep sadness for my 'little girl self" who had to grow up in such a distorted, stifling and diminishing way. I take good care of her now, acknowledging and supporting her needs, nurturing her and looking her in the eye and saying "I love you!" And I mean it...