My mother would stop talking to me. Sometimes I wouldn't know why. Other times I thought it was just another of her ways of pretending that she wasn't angry. She pretended that nothing was happening a lot. She was a very angry, unhappy woman who I haven't come to appreciate until 35 years after her death. Now I wish she could have known me as an adult and I could have known her from this place in my life. 

I can still be triggered by silence. A cold shoulder can drive me into a frenzy. Like at the place where I live-- an apartment building for seniors over 62. This story isn't for the faint of heart so proceed with caution...

The resident manager was (I use past tense because she is on "medical leave") a inconsistent woman who would be friendly at times and at others she'd come flying out of her office yelling and screaming. When approached by a resident to ask for help or requests for problems were made she would immediately say, "no". She would say she would not talk about it, then or in the future. If you pressed the issue she would say, "no, not over my dead body". After a blowup, she would seek you out to apologize and pretend she was your new best friend. 

It is clear why she would trigger my mother for me. The inconsistency, the yelling, the silence all brought back feelings I would rather not have. After 3 years here I met a woman who had filed a claim with HUD because the manager hadn't spoken to her in 4 years or dealt with her requests for reasonable accommodation. I was appalled. As we talked I could see the parallels with my own experiences and how this was more widespread than I had known. She had a pro-Bono lawyer who was representing her through the process. Currently, the claim was at Civil Rights under investigation.

What was becoming clear was that the resident manager was exercising bullying control. This was creating deep fear in the residents. Our survival was being threatened by her behavior. Our worst fear of being out on the street was threatened and possible. Infraction notices and illegal threats of eviction were known throughout the building. Home as a "sacred space" was not even imaginable in such a crazy, scary situation.

I began to speak with people about their experiences and a group of 4 of the residents wanted to write affidavits documenting their personal stories of silencing and yelling by the resident manager. We did this initially to support our friend but also to have a voice that might be heard by Civil Rights, HUD and the property management company. Clearly, there was a far-reaching problem at our residence and it needed attention. 

About a month ago there was a knock at my door and 2 residents came into my apartment and asked me to sign a petition to keep the resident management because they said her job was in jeopardy. I asked them how they knew that. They would not tell me. I knew the 2 of them were the biggest gossips in the building, had no life other than to talk about others and they had a symbiotic relationship with the resident manager. They were known "moles". I told them I would never sign something that I did not know the source and they left in a huff.

Several weeks later I started to hear rumors about myself and the others who had written affidavits. As time went on I heard personal and confidential information being spread throughout the building. When I would walk through the lobby or meet residents in the hall there would be that old cold shoulder or silence...shunning, shaming, judging silence. 

Soon after that one of the residents told us that she had seen the papers from all the claims, letters from lawyers, the information presented to HUD and Civil Rights and the affidavits we had written. She said the resident manager had given this to the 2 women who had gone door to door with the story that we had filed lawsuits to get rid of her. Cease and desist letters were sent to them from the pro-Bono lawyer and a letter to the management company was also sent. Soon after this, each resident received a written notice that the resident manager was now on medical leave.

At the time of this writing, the truth is that the affidavits were not about getting rid of the resident manager but an administrative inquiry into her egregious behavior and concern expressed about here not responding to our requests for reasonable accommodations. What she did by sharing this confidential information was illegal. I do not know what is going to happen next, but I do know that it is wildly uncomfortable  to be living in an environment where there is such a hateful climate of  gossip and silence. I have written the lawyer, who had promised protection in case of retaliation and am waiting to hear back about what is next. The building has been divided intentional lies and I do not think peace can be reinstated.

The drama, the silence, and the deep-seated rage is familiar. As I stay steady and do my best not to get sucked into the emotions of the situation I find myself growing in the knowledge of myself as a strong, healthy adult. I am no longer a child who has no choice about the yelling and silence. I am a woman with a voice who is proud to stand up and use it. I feel connected to all those who came before me seeking to be heard for our civil rights. I stand on their shoulders as the process continues to unfold and reveal more and more. Time will tell what will happen.