This year my Thanksgiving was an emotionally complicated Blessing. I spent it with my family: my brother, his wife and their son, my sister, her son/wife and 2 girls, and my son/wife and my granddaughter. We all went into the day knowing it would be challenging.
You see, in March, my niece Sybil (my brother's daughter) died from complications of childbirth. Her son, Jack, was spending Thanksgiving with his father's family in Florida.
In anticipation of the day and the obvious void Sybil's absence would create, we each tried to come up with a way to honor her. There were lengthy conversations that occurred between various family members. Candles, flowers, writing memories in a book to later give to Jack and speeches were all suggested but none of the ideas felt quite right.
Then my sister started scanning family photos from many generations that could run as a slide show before dinner on Thanksgiving. We all got very excited about her idea because it was about our family and shared experiences. Pictures of Sybil and other family members who had passed on were seen and talked about in the context of an event or something we had shared. It took us into the past while keeping us fully present with our feelings in the moment. Showing the photos was just right!
My sister said a few words before dinner--talking about our love for each other and about our terrible and tragic loss of Sybil. Even though she spoke briefly--there was not a dry eye. And, somehow, that too was just right.
Since Sybil's death in March, each of us has had our own individual grieving process which have been as different as our relationships with her were. After the initial shock of her death, we have had to make our way through the many emotions the grief has presented over and over again.
Thanksgiving was the first time our family shared our grieving collectively. Several things were different. For one thing, everyone was very present. There was great acceptance of each other's grief and lots of space for each person to be where they were. The day was full of compassion and deep love for each other.
The 3 babies who were there accentuated the fact that Jack was not. Trying to set up a Scype call with Jack and his father proved unsuccessful. I watched this add layers of different feelings for various people. I was mostly aware of my own sadness for my brother, his wife and their son and my anger at Jack's father for not realizing how important making contact was and for not making it a priority to happen.
My experience of Thanksgiving this year has moved me forward in my grieving process in ways I can feel but have no words for. I am deeply grateful for my family and feel huge love for them. I miss my niece and still have moments when I forget or don't believe she is not here. It will take a long time to come to terms with and accept her passing. I am just so proud of my family for having the courage to face reality together gently with total unconditional love.
You see, in March, my niece Sybil (my brother's daughter) died from complications of childbirth. Her son, Jack, was spending Thanksgiving with his father's family in Florida.
In anticipation of the day and the obvious void Sybil's absence would create, we each tried to come up with a way to honor her. There were lengthy conversations that occurred between various family members. Candles, flowers, writing memories in a book to later give to Jack and speeches were all suggested but none of the ideas felt quite right.
Then my sister started scanning family photos from many generations that could run as a slide show before dinner on Thanksgiving. We all got very excited about her idea because it was about our family and shared experiences. Pictures of Sybil and other family members who had passed on were seen and talked about in the context of an event or something we had shared. It took us into the past while keeping us fully present with our feelings in the moment. Showing the photos was just right!
My sister said a few words before dinner--talking about our love for each other and about our terrible and tragic loss of Sybil. Even though she spoke briefly--there was not a dry eye. And, somehow, that too was just right.
Since Sybil's death in March, each of us has had our own individual grieving process which have been as different as our relationships with her were. After the initial shock of her death, we have had to make our way through the many emotions the grief has presented over and over again.
Thanksgiving was the first time our family shared our grieving collectively. Several things were different. For one thing, everyone was very present. There was great acceptance of each other's grief and lots of space for each person to be where they were. The day was full of compassion and deep love for each other.
The 3 babies who were there accentuated the fact that Jack was not. Trying to set up a Scype call with Jack and his father proved unsuccessful. I watched this add layers of different feelings for various people. I was mostly aware of my own sadness for my brother, his wife and their son and my anger at Jack's father for not realizing how important making contact was and for not making it a priority to happen.
My experience of Thanksgiving this year has moved me forward in my grieving process in ways I can feel but have no words for. I am deeply grateful for my family and feel huge love for them. I miss my niece and still have moments when I forget or don't believe she is not here. It will take a long time to come to terms with and accept her passing. I am just so proud of my family for having the courage to face reality together gently with total unconditional love.
