Stillness...

“I am not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

When I arrived back to Colorado after being away three weeks I felt as though I was in shock. Everyone I talked with said it was “normal” to feel “off” coming back this way from Europe—“it would take a day and a half for each time zone traveled”—“it took them over a week”.

So, I let myself be gentle, nurturing, listening, caring, still. I quieted the chastising inner voice that was annoyed as I slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry, didn’t go to my classes at the Recreation Center and generally cut off all activity with the outer world.

It would rear its ugly head and spew out angry, vicious accusations. This was challenging the first few times I did venture out—to make a phone call, get groceries, gas up my vehicle--because I couldn’t help but feel bombarded both internally and externally.

I was reminded of other times when “everything just seemed to be going wrong”. I have distinct memory of trying to move through those times of blocks and seeming mazes. Each time I was left exhausted and going nowhere.

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of things, you find sometimes that a thing which seemed very thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it”. – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Since I have been forced to pause, I will take the opportunity to reflect. What I feel is as if there has been some sort of shift. I don’t know if I have energetically changed, my world has or a little of both. All I am certain of is that my energy in relation to other people and things in my life is different.

“Different” is quite vague, I realize. The subtlety of the change—while I feel it as huge and final—has an indistinct, nebulous and temporary quality about it. My experience of it is not unlike being on a train and having the breaks thrown on and slowly screeching to a loud and grinding halt. You are still intact, still on track, but stopped for no reason that you know.

How is this manifesting in my life? I don’t feel like I fit in my skin. I am tenuous about knowing who I am, who I have been and who I will become. The most noticeable manifestation comes from the recoiling dislike of me I feel from other people. Rejection would be a mild feeling-word to describe this phenomenon. I wonder what my vibration and energy are doing to attract this?

What am I doing with this disconcerting experience? Nothing. Everything. I am lying low, not taking anything personally, letting people and things fall away, holding steady through the disappointment and confusion I feel and spending a majority of my time alone.

The one thing I am certain of and grateful about this familiar experience is—it won’t last forever. I will patiently ride it out, appreciate my solitude, cherish my ability to love and take good care of myself through this slow-moving and dark time and have the wisdom and maturity to trust the transformation and conscious change that will become apparent when this is over.

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh. “There, there,” said Piglet, “I will bring you tea and honey until you do.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Wisdom Misunderstood

In my family of origin I am the youngest of three children. My brother is six and a half years older and my sister sixteen months. Growing up in the Mid-West in the '50s, there was a strong hierarchy of power that discouraged change and encouraged continuity, like the cycles of the seasons. The hierarchy seemed to have its roots in Christianity, which made duplicating the domination easy without questioning its source.

This view of the way the world worked was stringently enforced by those in authority. From my child's eyes, they (adults, particularly men) seemed to me to be given this power without earning it. The privilege of having this authority implied there were those at the other end of the spectrum who had no power or control at all.

I was one of them. Along with the women and other children, we went along with the inequitable situation without question or saying a word. The pattern filtered down through the families and the hierarchy was even allowed with siblings. Needless to say, having an older brother put me at the bottom of the pack.

My perception of this situation at the time was that those who were endowed with this power were seen and treated as wise. Wisdom was therefore synonymous with authority and power and was glorified. Wisdom, as lived out by those at the top of the hierarchy, was supposed to solidify tradition and create the "same" predictable outcomes.

To them, wisdom, by holding onto its truths of yesterday, pulled us back into the past and kept us on the treadmill of perpetuating the same old way. Wisdom was required to defend its' position. It had everything to prove and nothing to learn. This kept us in the cage of conformity--the place where no growth was possible or allowed. I found the beliefs of having no change deeply oppressive.

Wisdom, from their point of view, provided a false sense of discovery. It masqueraded as the pearl of great price while it did nothing for us when we were confronted with the unknown vastness of our being. When we felt the fear surrounding our own expansion and growth, wisdom pulled us back into constriction's safety. Everyone was expected to stay within the safe zone and not question it.

I knew from the time I was a little girl that wisdom as it surrounded my life was distorted. I knew true wisdom was the place where growth lives. It seemed to me that growth turned what we thought we knew into a bigger unknown through our life experiences. To me, growth was supposed to be an open companion of awareness, not constricted by it. The picture I had in my mind of what life was supposed to be was enormous and much more open than the world I lived in.

Being the youngest, it was automatically assumed I was the least wise. This gave me the freedom to rely on my own instincts. My innocence birthed truth and unfortunately butted heads with their version of wisdom. This was not popular. It felt as though I was pushing against those in authority while I was actually just enjoying my journey of discovery.

I feel lucky now as an adult that my birth order and gender put me in the position to question authority and the false wisdom that was so ingrained it was taken for granted. It allowed me to let my truth unfold, which put me on the path of being a seeker. Seeking came directly out of my innocence and curiosity. Innocence became, for me, the revealing of truth.

As I separated from my family and their beliefs about what I considered to be false wisdom, I was freed from their authority. I let go of their power to control my future and make me a victim of the past. I was free to gain my own version of wisdom, which was much more conscious than theirs. I found the source of the authentic wisdom within myself. I have gained sovriegnity over my own life, am discovering my own beliefs and can now embrace life with all its constant changes without fear.

Life's Purpose

For as long as I can remember I have had a sense that there is a purpose for my being alive at this time. Over the years I have followed my path and it has taken me to the mountain vistas and way down into the valleys. I have been seeking the entire time.

From the outside, looking at my life, it appears that I have only been learning lessons, one after the other. Often I have been challenged with the same lesson, which I guess means I am either dense or it has been important for me to really understand it.

Now that some wisdom has been attained, I have been contemplating about what a life purpose is and how to attain it. This has brought me to the realization that there is a battle going on between my mind and my heart. My beliefs and my knowing are at odds.

My mind looks at the outer world and into the future. It has the idea that there is a goal “out there” and my reaching it depends on what I “do”. My mind believes once the goal is reached, I have arrived. There is nothing after that, except perhaps another goal.

My “knowing” heart lives in the present. When it is not fighting with my mind, I strongly feel that my purpose is simply “being” right in the moment. Sometimes it is the most natural thing in the world and other times, when my mind tries to pull me back, it can feel quite uncomfortable.

How do I stay in the moment? How do I live out my purpose with this way of being? Part of the way is imagining that it is already done. The human mind can be a wondrous thing. It doesn’t question what is real or what is imagined. It only functions on data input. By bypassing my fearful mind and imagining my life this way, it becomes the data that is dealt with.

What do I need to do my soul’s work? What will I need to implement that intention? It seems that the answer is to prepare as if my heart’s desire is already there. It is like sending love and gratitude from my heart, thanking Spirit for having accomplished the aim.

All the while I gather my tools. I imagine whatever I need in my life, see myself using them and see myself functioning as if my desire has already arrived. I must put my awareness beyond getting the intent into having it. I must function as if it is done. All I have to do is be there. I must taste it, feel it, see it in my mind’s eye and it will catch up to me.

How is this done moment by moment? I must put myself into the mental groove of gratitude for the desire accomplished. When I stray from that perspective, I must pull myself back into it. Soon I am functioning at a higher level of awareness and creativity, which accomplishes any undertaking I seek.

Sometimes it doesn’t work right away. That is when the little voice of doubt tries to jump in and take control. That is my lower mind. Living the new way, though, is a facet of free will. I must choose the higher vibration of love in every moment, rather than the lower vibration of fear in all its faces. By staying in the higher mind, in a loving vibration and in an attitude of gratefullness I am living my life’s purpose.

Every moment of my life is what I am doing for the planet. Sometimes I find myself working toward something specific and then I remember I am operating at the lower vibration and I change directions.

So when I ask myself, “When am I going to find out what I’m here for?”, here is the answer: I am here for now…not for something coming up. I need to examine what I don’t like in my life or what is happening that I would leave behind or that I don’t understand. Listening with my heart's pure intention through truthful introspection helps me stay in the now I am creating.

The picture is clear. I must take the situation of today and mold it into something that’s beautiful for me now. In difficult circumstances I must anchor and celebrate all that is around me. Those are the times that I must claim the compassion of Spirit and let it fill me.

Then I need to keep going…even in doubt. Instead of striving to satisfy my mind, I must strive for understanding the circle of energy that makes up my new “now” reality. From this perspective life is not linear. There is no future or past, there is only now.

This awareness is a choice I can make in every moment. As I accept this way of being as my Spiritual practice it gets easier and more satisfying. It reinforces the sense I have always had about having a purpose. That purpose is now.