Stillness...

“I am not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

When I arrived back to Colorado after being away three weeks I felt as though I was in shock. Everyone I talked with said it was “normal” to feel “off” coming back this way from Europe—“it would take a day and a half for each time zone traveled”—“it took them over a week”.

So, I let myself be gentle, nurturing, listening, caring, still. I quieted the chastising inner voice that was annoyed as I slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry, didn’t go to my classes at the Recreation Center and generally cut off all activity with the outer world.

It would rear its ugly head and spew out angry, vicious accusations. This was challenging the first few times I did venture out—to make a phone call, get groceries, gas up my vehicle--because I couldn’t help but feel bombarded both internally and externally.

I was reminded of other times when “everything just seemed to be going wrong”. I have distinct memory of trying to move through those times of blocks and seeming mazes. Each time I was left exhausted and going nowhere.

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of things, you find sometimes that a thing which seemed very thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it”. – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Since I have been forced to pause, I will take the opportunity to reflect. What I feel is as if there has been some sort of shift. I don’t know if I have energetically changed, my world has or a little of both. All I am certain of is that my energy in relation to other people and things in my life is different.

“Different” is quite vague, I realize. The subtlety of the change—while I feel it as huge and final—has an indistinct, nebulous and temporary quality about it. My experience of it is not unlike being on a train and having the breaks thrown on and slowly screeching to a loud and grinding halt. You are still intact, still on track, but stopped for no reason that you know.

How is this manifesting in my life? I don’t feel like I fit in my skin. I am tenuous about knowing who I am, who I have been and who I will become. The most noticeable manifestation comes from the recoiling dislike of me I feel from other people. Rejection would be a mild feeling-word to describe this phenomenon. I wonder what my vibration and energy are doing to attract this?

What am I doing with this disconcerting experience? Nothing. Everything. I am lying low, not taking anything personally, letting people and things fall away, holding steady through the disappointment and confusion I feel and spending a majority of my time alone.

The one thing I am certain of and grateful about this familiar experience is—it won’t last forever. I will patiently ride it out, appreciate my solitude, cherish my ability to love and take good care of myself through this slow-moving and dark time and have the wisdom and maturity to trust the transformation and conscious change that will become apparent when this is over.

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh. “There, there,” said Piglet, “I will bring you tea and honey until you do.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh