Moving From Angst to Gratitude

I am feeling a lot of angst about leaving my dog. I am going to visit my son and his wife and my two grandchildren for 3 weeks over the holidays. I have arranged for Taj to stay at my friend Carolyn’s house for the duration.

During this year I had to leave him at Carolyn’s and with another friend, Sheila, during my 2 surgeries and recovery. All together that was a month and a half. Now I am going off again. I feel my heart being pulled.

This is my first year with Taj. I got him just before Christmas last year. He is a marvelous guy. He is gentle, friendly with other animals, wonderful and endlessly patient with children and adaptable. He seems to be able to go to others’ homes and stay without much stress.

Of all the dogs I have had in my life, Taj is the one who is not neurotic. He is the one who can make changes. He is the one who is not aloof with I return from an extended visit. He is immediately present to me and that makes me very happy.

I feel fortunate to have friends who want Taj to stay with them. I am glad I don’t have to leave him in a kennel. I feel like he is getting personal attention and love at my friends’. That is so important to me. He will get walked and played with and loved on. Taj and I are lucky that way.

So, since Taj will be cared for and happy, why am I anxious and feeling guilty leaving him? There are feelings of abandonment that come up when I think about leaving him. I don’t think he reflects this or that he even experiences this. He lives in the moment and when he is with Carolyn or Sheila he is happy.

I also feel as though I am shirking my responsibility as a pet-owner. I feel as though I made a commitment and am not living up to my end of the deal. This, too, is not accurate, as I know finding him appropriate care when I am unavailable is part of being a good pet-owner.

Are some of my feelings due to the fact that I will miss him? You bet. That seems obvious and normal. I enjoy his little spirit immensely and love waking up to his happy little self each day. Still, I need to be able to go away from him and be okay with his staying here.

At least I know the problem is mine and not Taj’s. I have the capacity to work though my feelings. It is not a far stretch for me to get to gratitude. I am sincerely grateful to my friends for loving Taj and appreciate their willingness to take him into their homes.

I think it is time to let go of the angst and start enjoying the time I am away more. He is going to be well cared for when I am gone and I can go with the assurance of that. I am going to let go of “my stuff” and simply leave with confidence and enjoy my family. Taj will be fine.

Lessons Learned

I have learned a lot about myself during the last six months. During that time I was in almost continual intense pain, eventually ending up with a complete knee replacement followed six weeks later with a complete hip replacement. Wow! I am now five weeks out from the last surgery and just got back from a walk in the park with my dog, Taj. It’s just amazing that I can be pain free and mobile again!

So, where do I begin? The first thing that comes to mind is dealing with pain. I have had short periods of intense pain—childbirth comes to mind. Never have I had eye-tearing pain that continues day and night for months! I have never been one to complain or whine about pain. This time I did. What did I learn? Whine LOUDER!

My surgeon and primary doctor both underestimated my concerns about the amount of pain I was in. They did not believe me, partly because they had never known me to complain. Also, I don’t think I was persistent or persuasive enough in my communications with them. I hadn’t come into my power yet, which is one of the things that developed throughout this process.

More about power: When I went into the therapy rehab unit after the knee surgery they didn’t have my medication ordered. I spent the first 20 hours there without any pain medication. I called my good friend who had been a nurse before retiring and said, “I’m out of here.” She said, “No, you’re not! You have to learn to get what you need, say what you need and come into your power around this. Imagine what you want your recovery to look like and make it so”. She was right.

When you are in a rehab unit there is a constant flow of people coming in an out of your room to help you, take vitals, offer various therapies, give medications, clean your room, etc. I learned that I had to say what I wanted. If it wasn’t a good time for me—I had to say that. If I had company, I had to say, “No, please come back”. After a while I got better and better at this and came out stronger than I have ever been.

After the knee surgery my hip began to deteriorate quickly. I had to use my newfound power to push the surgeon to do the appropriate tests necessary to meet insurance mandates for doing surgery. The surgeon said to me, “I didn’t listen to you about how bad your knee was so this time I am going to pay attention. You know your body and I need to take your lead. I will order the tests and do surgery six weeks after the knee, if needed.” I was shocked to hear this from a surgeon! I was shocked and happy!

Another thing I learned was what excellent, loving, amazing friends I have. Everyone was exceptional and completely there for me in exactly the right ways I needed. I knew I had good friends but until I was laid up I didn’t know how totally fantastic they were. I had many visits during both surgeries and recoveries, calls, cards, prayers and well-wishes galore and ended up knowing without a doubt I am living in the right place and am truly blessed.

I am grateful to be on the other side of these surgeries. I am still going to physical therapy twice a week and a lot of my time and attention goes toward my exercises and continued rehab. I am walking well and am practically pain free. I wouldn’t want to go through it again. I did learn a lot about myself. I learned to honor my needs and how to go about getting them met.