Moving From Angst to Gratitude

I am feeling a lot of angst about leaving my dog. I am going to visit my son and his wife and my two grandchildren for 3 weeks over the holidays. I have arranged for Taj to stay at my friend Carolyn’s house for the duration.

During this year I had to leave him at Carolyn’s and with another friend, Sheila, during my 2 surgeries and recovery. All together that was a month and a half. Now I am going off again. I feel my heart being pulled.

This is my first year with Taj. I got him just before Christmas last year. He is a marvelous guy. He is gentle, friendly with other animals, wonderful and endlessly patient with children and adaptable. He seems to be able to go to others’ homes and stay without much stress.

Of all the dogs I have had in my life, Taj is the one who is not neurotic. He is the one who can make changes. He is the one who is not aloof with I return from an extended visit. He is immediately present to me and that makes me very happy.

I feel fortunate to have friends who want Taj to stay with them. I am glad I don’t have to leave him in a kennel. I feel like he is getting personal attention and love at my friends’. That is so important to me. He will get walked and played with and loved on. Taj and I are lucky that way.

So, since Taj will be cared for and happy, why am I anxious and feeling guilty leaving him? There are feelings of abandonment that come up when I think about leaving him. I don’t think he reflects this or that he even experiences this. He lives in the moment and when he is with Carolyn or Sheila he is happy.

I also feel as though I am shirking my responsibility as a pet-owner. I feel as though I made a commitment and am not living up to my end of the deal. This, too, is not accurate, as I know finding him appropriate care when I am unavailable is part of being a good pet-owner.

Are some of my feelings due to the fact that I will miss him? You bet. That seems obvious and normal. I enjoy his little spirit immensely and love waking up to his happy little self each day. Still, I need to be able to go away from him and be okay with his staying here.

At least I know the problem is mine and not Taj’s. I have the capacity to work though my feelings. It is not a far stretch for me to get to gratitude. I am sincerely grateful to my friends for loving Taj and appreciate their willingness to take him into their homes.

I think it is time to let go of the angst and start enjoying the time I am away more. He is going to be well cared for when I am gone and I can go with the assurance of that. I am going to let go of “my stuff” and simply leave with confidence and enjoy my family. Taj will be fine.

Taj

On a whim back in September I contacted the Tibetan Spaniel dog kennel I had been told had the line of my beloved Johnie and Arty. I was still grieving the loss of Ladybug, who had died in July. I wasn’t aware that I was looking for another dog. My intentions were to make a connection with relatives of some of the dogs I had deeply loved.

Immediately, I got a call back saying, “Yes, we have Arty’s son, grandson, great grandson and great great grandson.” I was excited and looked at their website to see them. That’s when I saw TJ. He was Arty’s great great grandson and he was beautiful. I loved his energy the moment I laid eyes on him.

After that the momentum accelerated on my making him mine. Everywhere I went there were green lights to get this dog. I would walk into a store and there would be exactly what I needed to acquire. Everyone I spoke with about it was wildly enthusiastic and thought I “needed a dog”. I realized I had had dogs in my life for 60 years!

I contacted the owners of the kennel and negotiated the details of my getting TJ. They lived an hour and a half from my sister’s in Philadelphia and I was going there to see her at Christmas. I arranged to pick him up then.

That’s when doubt began to loom. At first there was just a tinge of it and at other times it took on gigantic proportions. I didn’t know if I wanted the responsibility. I didn’t know if the dog and I would connect. I wondered if taking on something to care for would deteriorate my freedom. I hadn’t gotten a new dog for many years and felt anxious thinking about the initial phases of becoming acquainted and setting up a good life together.

I voiced my doubts to all my friends and family and found nothing but encouragement for getting the dog. Every time I would think about not getting him, I would feel great disappointment. I had to make a decision and that seemed enormous. I made lists, consulted pet physics and meditated madly trying to get the clarity I was lacking. Finally a friend suggested I meet TJ and then make up my mind. That seemed to give me relief and a tangible way to slow down the doubts (which by that time had reached cataclysmic loudness).

So, the holidays arrived and I made my way to Pennsylvania. Then it was time for my sister and I to take a ride out to meet TJ. There were 23 Tibbies there, about a half dozen in the house. The breeders were there, several of their adult children and some grandchildren. I realized it was going to be challenging sorting out my feelings about TJ in the midst of all this. I did my best to stay clear and steady. When he came in I liked him instantly and felt he was mine.

We took him back to my sisters and he was well behaved and lovely. The next night was Christmas Eve and I was hesitant to take him along to my nephew’s because he has a 5 year old and a 2 1/2 year old.  TJ was simply wonderful with the children, friendly with the adults and seemed incredibly adaptable and calm. We experienced the same qualities in him on Christmas Day. Then my sister and I watched the children for 3 days at their house. He was incredible! I knew I had gotten a great dog.

It wasn’t until we flew home that I got to get glimpse of the greatness of this little being. We started out at 5 am. The documentation I had gotten from my doctor was wrong and by the time I sorted through all that, I ended up paying for TJ to ride with me under my seat. This confusion made us miss our flight.  We were put on standby for the next flight but got bumped. The last flight of the day was at 6:30 pm and we were on standby again. We did get a seat on that flight. A winter storm was just beginning to rage and we waited on the plane three and a half hours to get de-iced. After landing, we caught the last shuttle and arrived home at 2 pm.

During this entire day—while I was overcome with lack of patience, anxiety and fatigue—TJ was calm, content to snuggle, friendly with people and the best travel companion you could imagine. If I had any doubts before they all dissipated with this experience. Now I love “Taj” more everyday. I am so happy to have such a beautiful little soul. It’s grand.