Reflections On My Sister

My first memories include my sister. She was 16 months old when I was born. In my memories she is “there” for me in a stabilizing--offering--security kind of way. I am depending on her so I don’t have to feel as though I am alone. I am depending on her to talk for me. I know she gets along with everyone and makes people feel at ease through her conversations and I need her to do that for me. I need her to protect me. I don’t feel like the adults are in control and I need her.

I was an incredibly shy little girl and not a happy child. My mother was erratic and angry a lot of the time. Often, she was angry with me. This scapegoating could take the form of silence or ridicule depending upon the moment and situation. Quite frequently, her rage spilled out against our father—especially at night after we were in bed. It was not unusual for my brother, sister and me to be huddled under a table during these tyrannous outbursts.

I shared a room with my sister. I know this annoyed her. It was “her” room. I don’t know how I knew this or why it wasn’t “our” room. But, it was hers. Every night I peed in the bed and then I cried. I would cry and cry until our father would come in and get me. Then I would go to sleep in my parent’s bed and my sister was left to sleep in the peed-in bed. This was very aggravating to her! I knew this at a very deep level. But, I didn’t stop peeing. Eventually we got twin beds. I don’t think this made my sister any less dismayed but perhaps once the quiet was restored and I was not there she might have felt relief.

It seemed to me, as I grew older and my memory came into sharper focus, we were quite different from one another. I liked to play with my friends, climb trees, play ball with the boys, make mud pies, work in the yard, garden. I enjoyed doing anything active outside. My sister preferred being inside designing and making elaborate doll clothes and watching TV.

The differences between my sister and I seemed to widen as we hit adolescence. By high school the tension between us was obvious and uncomfortable. This didn’t deter my feelings of needing her for security. It is easy now to remember my grief when she went to college and I was left alone and unprotected for the first time in my life. I was outwardly calm and collected but inwardly I was lost and terrified.

It took me many years to work out my dependency issues with my sister. My "mother issues" were complicated enough and challenging to unravel. It hadn't felt as though my actual mother had been present to me and my needs so I sought and received "positive" nurturing from my sister. I had to redefine myself and reorganize my entire way of thinking and identity to relieve the anxiety I felt. Only when I had stabilized and grounded myself inside was it possible to actually begin to let go of the dependency. We both struggled as adults to develop a healthy relationship with each other.

Only in the last 20 years have I really gotten to know my sister for who she truly is. Imagine my shock to discover how alike we are! She is the one person on the planet who really knows me. She knows without my saying a word what I am feeling and what is going on with me. When we are together, we don’t even have to talk to know what is going on with the other or our response to those around us. Our taste is similar and other than her being a “girly-girl” and me maintaining my “tom-boy” persona, we are two peas in a pod.

I haven’t seen my sister in over two years. I am preparing for a visit over the holidays. I am SO excited! Loving someone your entire life and then being able to share quality time as adults can be incredibly sweet. It has taken both of us being willing to "do the work" on our low functioning childhood and the unhealthy parts of our relationship to reach the point we are now. I am grateful to both of us for our tenacity, courage and strength. We have a lot to celebrate!

Holidays

I am going to my son's for the holidays. I am looking forward to spending some quiet, quality time there. We have no plans and are not exchanging gifts. We decided the only presents that were allowed are things for the baby that they're expecting in March.

I feel grateful that I am not in the throws of the situation many people find themselves in during the holiday season. Bustling, rushing around spending money (often that you don't have), anticipating getting together with family members that are difficult, eating too much, drinking too much--all of these things sound dreadful. Yet, many people are going into the season with these things looming.

One of the most difficult things about the holidays are expectations. If we have experienced the magic of the holidays as children it is particularly dangerous. We go into the season now with our hearts set on things being the way they were and WHAM! everything is different. As adults we can end up feeling like disappointed children and totally miss the wonder.

Another danger of feeling like children happens when we are around our families. If we are around our family of origin we are, in fact, children even though we are now adults. That doesn't stop the dynamics that are so familiar. Sometimes these dynamics throw us out of balance and this can bring with it disastrous feelings and behaviors.

It is important to stay in the present and keep an open heart regardless of who you are with. This is one time of the year that everyone is a little stressed and many are depressed. Knowing this and staying steady with yourself while allowing others to be where they are keeps you from falling into their abyss.

Having faith and understanding the true meaning of the holidays makes all the difference. That makes giving and being compassionate toward others the purpose. Giving from the heart without expectations is a profound experience. When you give from an open heart, the love comes back a thousand fold.

My wish would be that everyone could feel loved and cared about during the holidays.