Losing A Loved One

My niece, Sybil, died six days after delivering a baby boy (Jack Chandler McFall). She had had a normal pregnancy, but on March 17th she woke up ill. The hospital diagnosed her with preeclampsia and by early afternoon her blood pressure had spiked too high and she suffered a stroke. They performed an emergency cesarean and delivered Jack. Sybil went into a coma and never came out.

Life is fragile and fleeting. You never expect a young healthy person to die. Pregnancy is still life-threatening, in spite of modern medical advancements. Sybil's death has thrown my family into shock and turmoil. Each is dealing with grief in their own way. My brother, losing his only daughter, is philosophizing in his grief and feels totally helpless. His son has initiated a project of videotaping family and friends memories to present to Jack when he is old enough. My sister feels beyond exhaustion in her grief. My son and nephew, having young children by c sections recently, cry easily over Jack being raised without a mother. My feelings seem buried deep inside. We are all heart broken and raw.

Sybil's death has illuminated and forced us to examine our beliefs. We have come face to face with questions about the meaning of life and death. They are both unexplained mysteries of the soul and have no clear answers.

Sybil was a lovely young woman. Her quick with and dry humor amazed us and never failed to bring a quick smile. I have fond memories of Sybil since she was born. She was an incredibly creative and gifted artist who produced many imaginative projects. She was endlessly loving and was not afraid to express it in many ways.

One early memory of her that stands out in my mind happened when my mother died in 1977. Sybil was 3. We had just left the cemetery in a limousine on a snowy blistery February day. Sybil turned around and said, "We can't leave Grandma here--she'll get cold." I hope her spirit is with my mother now.

My most recent memory of Sybil was when my entire family got together at Thanksgiving. Three of the four cousins were expecting babies in the Spring. After dinner we had a shower for the three babies. It was a fun and connecting time for all of us and one that I will always treasure. Sybil was so excited to be becoming a mom and having a little boy. None of us can imagine what it will be like for Jack to grow up without a Mother. Fortunately he has a marvelous Dad who has our complete support in raising him.

Sybil's place in our small family will be greatly missed. We all loved her dearly and pray for her journey into the light.

Moms Know It All

My son and his wife just left this morning after staying with me for a holiday visit. I enjoyed their company immensely and had a wonderful time catching up and just being together. The challenge for me was to "see" things that were happening with them individually and together that were not heading in a good direction. The struggle was to hold my tongue and simply be supportive.

I am a good listener. After twenty-five years as a psychotherapist I have become quick at seeing what is going wrong in people's lives and knowing how to support looking at the situations in new ways to bring awareness to new ways of thinking. It isn't telling someone what to do and trying to change them to meet my opinion. It is more opening up options and creating possibilities for change in places in their lives that are not working.

Family and friends have totally different rules and the boundaries needed to stay very clear. For instance, it is off limits for me to use my "bag of psychotheraputic solutions" on those close to me. That creates an emotional conundrum when the person in question is your son. This is intensely difficult.

It is interesting to see my son's values and beliefs now that he is an adult. Some of them are ones I adhere to and share and others I don't know where he got. Some of it is his sense of himself and his self definition at this time. Some of it is just being young and not knowing himself as well as he will as he matures and goes through things in his life that will teach him lessons.

What Mother wants their children to have to learn lessons that might hurt them? No matter how old their child is, the impulse is the same as it was when they were little. Especially if you can see how a course of events is lining up like a freight train. Then it takes all of my energy and attention to stay quiet and let things play out.

Fortunately, I had an excellent model for this. My good friend and "chosen" Mother is an expert at listening and saying nothing. She is incredibly supportive but will not tell you what you are doing wrong or what the consequences might be if you continue in the current direction. She is inspiring and has become my mentor in this issue. I just have to think about what she would do and say, and I am able to stop myself from interfering.

The truth is, I don't even know if my observations are correct. Being close to someone scrambles perception. The issue is really trusting that you have done everything you can do to raise your child in the best way you knew how. Now it is time to trust what you have given them and trust that they will make good choices or know how to rectify situations as they arrive.

I do trust my son, possibly more that any other person on this planet. It is just that "Mom Knows It All" gene that kicks in and makes me want to intervene so my son won't get hurt. I feel that that impulse as a healthy one. The big issue is keeping quiet and letting things play out.

If I am asked my opinion about something, then I must find a way to be honest while not driving the bus with what I think. Again listening is the main tool for this. Being supportive doesn't mean being passive, because this doesn't help either.

This is my lesson to work on. When you have a child you have no idea all the lessons that will be presented to you, especially the ones you don't know how to handle. And it doesn't stop. My son is 30 and I am still having to consider and make mistakes and get my thinking straightened out. I consider it a lesson of love and am going to do everything in my power to get it right.