Fear and Its Blessings

Fear is an energized emotion that grows bigger and stronger the more thoughts there are to feed it. One thought makes way for ten more until a sense of being overwhelmed overcomes. Fear is a slippery slide and one that is challenging to stop once the momentum gathers speed. Fear, or anxiety, is perhaps my least favorite way to feel. Withdrawn into myself, childlike and powerless, I am paralyzed and cannot find my way out of the dark, hopeless place I am in.

This week I felt that way and watched the feelings build day by day. It was uncomfortable to experience these feelings and I found myself doing everything possible to avoid them. I even got to the point that I would fall asleep immediately when starting to read! It went so far as to affect me physically and I found myself aching for no apparent reason. In my isolation and dis-empowered state I had to make myself do even the most mundane life task.

In order to regain some power, I unconsciously switched from fear to anger and found myself thinking in terms of conflict, complete with argumentative thoughts. I projected my unhappiness on others and made myself appear as a victim. It was when this perspective became unbearable I found myself flipping back into the fear realm. When my feelings shifted this time, I began to have some insight about what was happening.

The first thing I noticed was that my anxious thoughts was progressively more and more negative. The more of these thoughts I had, the more negative I felt. I was actually drawing negativity to myself; negative people and situations in all areas of my life were showing up at amazing speeds.

Next I saw what was probably obvious to everyone outside of myself: I was way off center—out of alignment with who I truly am. My hints were not feeling like myself. I couldn’t find motivation for things I usually love doing. Nothing was working. I was out of sink. It felt like I was vibrationally not matching who I am.

It began to sink in that I was in a spiritual crisis. I had to stop the negative thoughts that were pushing me so far away. When I did that I felt almost instantaneous relief. I could then see that my fear was showing me exactly what wasn’t okay in my life. What I truly wanted was diametrically opposed to what I feared. So I began to lean into the fear so that I could feel it better and hear what it had to tell me.

I realized that my fear messages were very specific and focused on particular things. The more tightly wound up I felt the more the messages pinched me off from myself. In order to get out of this conundrum I had to back up and make a list of very general things that applied to the situations that had been central to the anxiety.

“I have felt safe before. It will be wonderful when I am aligned again with myself. I am strong and can deal with situations as they come up. I like being an adult and having choices. When I have gathered information I will feel more in control of my life. I want happiness in my life. I like owning my power and not giving it to others.”

As I approached myself in this way I began to see what I actually wanted. The thoughts that had previously created fear in me were actually showing me with great clarity what I had wanted all along. Being in alignment felt like I had all the resources I needed and as though they had always been there. It no longer felt like I had to do anything or make anything happen. I could see that life would flow to me in this state.

So, now I bless fear and the anxiety it produces. I lean up against it with all senses alert, ready for information about what I want. I have control of my thoughts and can choose which ones pinch me off and which ones bring me into alignment with myself. My life is flowing again and that makes me feel peaceful, empowered and happy.

Preparing for Surgery

No one likes to have surgery. That statement does not help me much as I am sitting in the "high chair" having my blood drawn for pre-op surgery. My eyes land on the bulletin board on the wall. It is filled with photographs of the technician's family. Little girls are chasing a balloon and an older boy is suiting up for what looks like his first football game. I try to distract myself and think this bulletin board is an excellent way to do it.

When I fell on my hip two years ago I didn't break it. It was an extremely windy day and we were at the dump with our little old Isuzu pickup filled to the brim with trash. We were standing in the back end throwing stuff off the truck. We had made it down to a fairly large piece of particle board. I grabbed one end and the top, my partner did the same. Just at that moment a huge gust of wind caught the board and whipped me into the air.

From that moment it all happened in slow motion. I was flying backwards off the side of the truck and heading down toward the ground. When I landed I felt it as a LOUD hard thump. To add insult to injury, the board fell on top of me. I immediately began to access my body. I had landed on my right hip and elbow. They hurt. For some reason my response was to feel angry and humiliated, although I don't know at what. I shook myself off and got back up in the truck and finished the job.

I held out until early in the week and then went in for some ex rays. Nothing was broken and I was told to rest and take ibuprofen. I spent the following weeks recovering, which seemed slow but I could tell there was gradual improvement so after a while stopped feeling concerned and got on with my life.

It wasn't even six months after the fall that I found my way to the orthopedic doctor because my hip was hurting. At first, I was sent to the back doctor to rule out if the pain was coming from my lower back. It wasn't. I let more time go on and then I was at the hip doctor again. After more ex rays it was determined that arthritis was deteriorating my hip bones. Could I stand the pain? At that time, yes, I could.

This last year was a different story, though. The pain started becoming constant and particularly bad when I walked. I noticed it the most when I was trying to make it from one plane to another in airports. There was no denial. Something had to be done. I went back to the hip doctor. This time he recommended that I get a cortisone shot in my hip. Didn't sound like something I would normally want to do but I found myself gladly agreeing to it.

The shot was given in an outpatient setting where you went into a room filled with large machines. From the bed, the machines were especially intimidating. I focused on the TV screen where an ex ray was showing a picture of my body where the shot was going to go. I don't like shots so I quickly diverted my eyes and started thinking about what I was going to do after I left. It was over quickly and I had to stay in the waiting room a half hour before I was driven home.

The pain subsided considerably over the next few days and about the third day I was feeling pretty normal again. In fact, I felt so good that it was easy to forget that I was having trouble with my hip at all. It last about 6 weeks. Then the pain was back. I went to the doctor again. This scenario repeated I don't know how many times. I guess it was until the doctor giving me the cortisone shots sat me down and told me I needed to consider surgery.

I put off going to see the hip doctor until I could barely walk. He took another ex ray. The last one had been taken six months before this one and the bone had deteriorated measurably. Now the picture showed bone on bone. We both looked at each other and without saying a word, knew it was time.

Due to a wedding, a funeral and several trips, I picked the end of March as "the time". In early March I saw my primary physician to start the pre-op testing. This involved going to five different places for poking and prodding and I did not like it at all. Still, I knew what is coming will be much, much more challenging to deal with.

I feel anxious about the surgery. I don't want to have to deal with pain and don't feel very motivated to do all that I will need to do to recover as I want to. I know I will be diligent when it happens, it's just thinking about it from my anxiety-point-of-view that feels unmotivated. Sometimes I think that since I scheduled it, it must be selective surgery. And then I walk a few steps and remember quickly, that is not the case.

I feel betrayed by my body. I wasn't supposed to have to deal with something like this! Having always been strong, active and athletic, it never occurred to me that I would need a hip replacement. Now I am fighting with myself: berating myself for lifting such heavy things and doing so much work in my life. And giving myself grief for falling off that truck. I find myself needing to curb my anger at myself and recognize that I am just afraid of the surgery.

I don't know of any formula or way of thinking that would make waiting for surgery any easier. I know I will be in good hands, I know I will make it through, and I know that my hip will be so much better without all the pain. And I know no one likes surgery. Especially ME!