Painful Lessons

I was in my early 30’s when I read Stephen Levine’s book, Who Dies. In it is a meditation to use to deal with and ease pain. In the meditation the directive is to soften around the pain. At the time of my reading this I had no pain. I was working with people who were dying who were in pain, though, and this meditation was beautifully successful in dealing with them. Somehow, I knew that Stephen’s concept was the Truth and profound. Little did I know that someday I would be in searing pain over a period of time that would prompt me to recall the meditation and put it to use.

On August 27th I had a total knee replacement. That was four and a half weeks ago. It was much more major surgery than I had realized. It was incredibly painful. I was in rehab for almost 3 weeks and am still walking with a cane. The meditation served me well during this time.

The three months prior to the surgery I had terrible knee pain and could barely walk. I got through by using a cane. After the first month, the opposite hip became more painful than the knee from compensation. Having knee surgery and being in recuperation at a rehab facility brought relief to the hip. Probably narcotics helped as well with all pain.

Now I am off the narcotics and the hip has flared up again. Meditation is challenging to remember to do when the pain is so overriding but when I remember to do it I am calmed and the pain is more bearable.

Today I got honest with myself about the very real possibility of needing a hip replacement in the next few weeks. I struggled not to be devastated. I acknowledged fear and dread: I know hips are easier than knees in terms of pain and healing. It’s just that it is just so soon after having surgery. Winter is coming and it would be a lot easier to heal now than if I waited.

I don’t know if the physical pain or emotional pain won out today. I didn’t actually feel sorry for myself. I simply had the awareness that I wanted to get back into my life and do things that nourished my body and soul and that I couldn’t do that.

What is the lesson I am supposed to learn from this? I am trying my best to see the inner process that is the driving force behind the physical manifestation. This afternoon I dreamt of a large black dog who was actually an elephant and I had to tell the truth to some people who wanted to show him that he isn’t a show quality dog. I am struggling to get up my nerve to tell them...

When I went into the rehab facility I did not get my medications for 16 hours. I called a good friend who is a retired geriatric nurse and said, “I’m out of here!” She said, “No you’re not. Part of your rehab is learning to ask for what you need. She was absolutely right. I got much better at asking and this has carried over into my life in a positive way. I had to visualize what I needed to get out of rehab and make it work for myself. It was a great experience even with its rough start.

So, now, I am trying to visualize my life in the next month. I know I have more opportunities to work with pain—both physical and emotional. I need to move through this and then my life will be available again. I need to continue to soften around the pain, lack of patience, and depression.