Fear is an energized emotion that grows bigger and
stronger the more thoughts there are to feed it. One thought makes way for ten
more until a sense of being overwhelmed overcomes. Fear is a slippery slide and
one that is challenging to stop once the momentum gathers speed. Fear, or
anxiety, is perhaps my least favorite way to feel. Withdrawn into myself,
childlike and powerless, I am paralyzed and cannot find my way out of the dark,
hopeless place I am in.
This week I felt that way and watched the feelings
build day by day. It was uncomfortable to experience these feelings and I found
myself doing everything possible to avoid them. I even got to the point that I
would fall asleep immediately when starting to read! It went so far as to
affect me physically and I found myself aching for no apparent reason. In my
isolation and dis-empowered state I had to make myself do even the most mundane
life task.
In order to regain some power, I unconsciously switched
from fear to anger and found myself thinking in terms of conflict, complete
with argumentative thoughts. I projected my unhappiness on others and made
myself appear as a victim. It was when this perspective became unbearable I
found myself flipping back into the fear realm. When my feelings shifted this
time, I began to have some insight about what was happening.
The first thing I noticed was that my anxious
thoughts was progressively more and more negative. The more of these thoughts I
had, the more negative I felt. I was actually drawing negativity to myself; negative
people and situations in all areas of my life were showing up at amazing speeds.
Next I saw what was probably obvious to everyone
outside of myself: I was way off center—out of alignment with who I truly am.
My hints were not feeling like myself. I couldn’t find motivation for things I
usually love doing. Nothing was working. I was out of sink. It felt like I was vibrationally
not matching who I am.
It began to sink in that I was in a spiritual
crisis. I had to stop the negative thoughts that were pushing me so far away.
When I did that I felt almost instantaneous relief. I could then see that my
fear was showing me exactly what wasn’t okay in my life. What I truly wanted
was diametrically opposed to what I feared. So I began to lean into the fear so
that I could feel it better and hear what it had to tell me.
I realized that my fear messages were very specific
and focused on particular things. The more tightly wound up I felt the more the
messages pinched me off from myself. In order to get out of this conundrum I
had to back up and make a list of very general things that applied to the
situations that had been central to the anxiety.
“I have felt safe before. It will be wonderful when
I am aligned again with myself. I am strong and can deal with situations as
they come up. I like being an adult and having choices. When I have gathered
information I will feel more in control of my life. I want happiness in my
life. I like owning my power and not giving it to others.”
As I approached myself in this way I began to see
what I actually wanted. The thoughts that had previously created fear in me
were actually showing me with great clarity what I had wanted all along. Being
in alignment felt like I had all the resources I needed and as though they had
always been there. It no longer felt like I had to do anything or make
anything happen. I could see that life would flow to me in this state.
So, now I bless fear and the anxiety it produces. I
lean up against it with all senses alert, ready for information about what I
want. I have control of my thoughts and can choose which ones pinch me off and
which ones bring me into alignment with myself. My life is flowing again and
that makes me feel peaceful, empowered and happy.
