Stillness...

“I am not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

When I arrived back to Colorado after being away three weeks I felt as though I was in shock. Everyone I talked with said it was “normal” to feel “off” coming back this way from Europe—“it would take a day and a half for each time zone traveled”—“it took them over a week”.

So, I let myself be gentle, nurturing, listening, caring, still. I quieted the chastising inner voice that was annoyed as I slept when I was tired, ate when I was hungry, didn’t go to my classes at the Recreation Center and generally cut off all activity with the outer world.

It would rear its ugly head and spew out angry, vicious accusations. This was challenging the first few times I did venture out—to make a phone call, get groceries, gas up my vehicle--because I couldn’t help but feel bombarded both internally and externally.

I was reminded of other times when “everything just seemed to be going wrong”. I have distinct memory of trying to move through those times of blocks and seeming mazes. Each time I was left exhausted and going nowhere.

“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of things, you find sometimes that a thing which seemed very thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it”. – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Since I have been forced to pause, I will take the opportunity to reflect. What I feel is as if there has been some sort of shift. I don’t know if I have energetically changed, my world has or a little of both. All I am certain of is that my energy in relation to other people and things in my life is different.

“Different” is quite vague, I realize. The subtlety of the change—while I feel it as huge and final—has an indistinct, nebulous and temporary quality about it. My experience of it is not unlike being on a train and having the breaks thrown on and slowly screeching to a loud and grinding halt. You are still intact, still on track, but stopped for no reason that you know.

How is this manifesting in my life? I don’t feel like I fit in my skin. I am tenuous about knowing who I am, who I have been and who I will become. The most noticeable manifestation comes from the recoiling dislike of me I feel from other people. Rejection would be a mild feeling-word to describe this phenomenon. I wonder what my vibration and energy are doing to attract this?

What am I doing with this disconcerting experience? Nothing. Everything. I am lying low, not taking anything personally, letting people and things fall away, holding steady through the disappointment and confusion I feel and spending a majority of my time alone.

The one thing I am certain of and grateful about this familiar experience is—it won’t last forever. I will patiently ride it out, appreciate my solitude, cherish my ability to love and take good care of myself through this slow-moving and dark time and have the wisdom and maturity to trust the transformation and conscious change that will become apparent when this is over.

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh. “There, there,” said Piglet, “I will bring you tea and honey until you do.” –A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Inspiration

Inspiration is an experience that can take many forms. Wikipedia refers to artistic inspiration; sudden creativity in artistic production, spiritual inspiration; realization of something greater than ourselves, and creative inspiration; sudden creativity when a new invention is created.

Music, films, literature, businesses, cars, perfumes and travel journals are just a few forms that have been taken with the concept of inspiration. People have not only been inspired but have named songs, films, stories and poetry, business plans, cars, perfumes and travel places "inspiring".

What does it take to be inspired? Some people call inspiration the "muse". The muse takes us to a place of awe, wonder, curiosity in ourselves where we want to do something.

Inspiration is an energy that is high and wants to move somewhere. That is why artists speak of sudden outpouring of works, when this energy is present. That is why the creative impulse results in some form. That is why birth, death and life altering situations that arise in our lives bring us to new spiritual understandings and beliefs.

Loss, change and difficult things that happen in our lives have the potential to inspire us. This process can take lots of work and time but the end result can be a transformation to inspiration and a change in our perception.

People, places and things can inspire us. This experience can be sudden or take a long time to identify and appreciate. We have to be open to the experience of being inspired or else we might just get taken by complete surprise.

What does inspiration feel like? I believe it can be different for each person but there are attributes that are common elements for everyone. Inspiration can bring an "ah ha" moment. It can be a sudden sense of vastness and awe. It is a euphoric sensation. It is motivating. It feels great!

I wait on inspiration, sometimes for years. I don't know when it will happen, what will trigger it, what i will do with it or how it will manifest. All I know for certain is that I have been and will be inspired again. I can hardly wait...

MAKING MY WAY THROUGH CHANGE

I am in a quandary. Everyday I have more questions than answers. I guess that is part of being human today. Our world is being disassembled one piece at a time right before our eyes. We are immersed in fear and insecurity. The changes seem to be happening so quickly I suspect we will only fully understand the transformation in hindsight.

Some days it seems as though humanity is deteriorating rather than getting better. Other days it feels like nothing is happening. Sometimes it looks like humanity is doomed, but I really don't believe this in my heart.

All I can sense for certain is that something very unusual is happening. Are we being nudged by our higher intelligence onto the path of consciousness? Are we on the edge of a brand new frontier? Our entire world is in flux and I am sensing a brand-new, more light-filled existence is in the making.

The overwhelming feeling of having so many variables at play makes me uncertain of how best to navigate this vast unknown. How can I proceed without "seeing" what is in front of me? How can I know if the steps I am personally taking are leading anywhere constructive?

I find some comfort in "knowing" a few things and consider them often to help find my way. First, I believe that my soul came in at this auspicious time prepared to deal with all the changes. I believe I have been developing key qualities throughout my life that helps me make optimal use of being alive now during the twenty-first century.

I feel the quickening of humanity's evolutionary cycle is giving me the opportunity to wake up my soul's potential and address unfinished business. It is hard to imagine the roles and identities I have been living could be unlearned and become increasingly empowering. At the core of my being I know there is nothing to fix. My essence is pure and perfect. The things that need to be addressed and cleared are the layers of dysfunction I have taken on from my past human conditioning.

Another thing I understand is the importance of living in the present moment. This means deciding right now that the energy of what I can create with my thoughts, feelings and actions matters in each and every moment. I was taught to look back on the past and to plan for the future. I believe this training came from a fixed, linear perspective that is part of the old-paradigm world that is crumbling.

Creation isn't limited to what I have done before. It involves unlimited possibilities. I was taught to think in limited ways and to regard myself as small and insignificant and needing outside direction and help. The new shift gives me a broader perspective. It wakes me up to my divine nature and reminds me that I am the one who creates my world.

In deciding my next moves, I feel the need to become increasing skilled in managing my energy, not only my physical energy but also my emotional and mental states. I need to be acutely conscious about how I am thinking and feeling. I believe the way to do this is by monitoring my thoughts and emotional states, without judgment, to better understand and harness my own energy.

I feel there is an increased need to listen to what my body is telling me, honoring its messages and taking intelligent action based on what I discover. My body gives me the information about what is happening in my inner and outer worlds.

I need to begin paying more attention to activities or people in my life that leave me feeling drained. I refuse to give my power away by blaming others for my discontent. It is important for me to consider what specifically is triggering disharmony within myself. By looking deeply inside myself I should be able to pinpoint any painful patterns that are catalyzed in these situations and take action to remedy what I find.

It is time to actualize my greatest resource: the ability to discern and disseminate the truth about my world and myself. I need to stop walking around blindly feeling hopelessly lost instead of having an awareness of what is real. I can find clarity about what is real, who to believe and trust and where to go next by developing spiritually and dropping the baggage of my past. It feels important to recognize my spiritual transformation is a process and not a punishment. That should make it easier to accept what is. I want to fight the urge to stay in my comfort zone and resist and fight the changes, because intuitively I feel that would only lead to needless suffering.

Maybe I have more direction than I thought. I have always believed that the answers are present in the questions. Hopefully, listening to my questions and being committed to growing will lead me out of my quandary and into a full and conscious life.

Spiritual Growth

I want to tell you about Arty, my Tibetan Spaniel. In dog years he is 14 which, when you do the math, makes him in human years a very wise 98 year old. I became guardian of this beautiful soul when he was 3 years old. At that point in his life he was far from being as stable and wise as he has become.

He had been a show dog, a Champion. His handler had not liked him and during our first few years together, I questioned the treatment he had received. He was frightened of many things. Thunder, lightening, cameras, and people were terrifying to him. He would jump into my arms and shake.

The other quality that he was lacking was courage. He wanted everything to be the same and was extremely rigid about trying new things. He would even pass up a morsel of meat if it was something new. If someone new (human or canine) came into his personal space he would high-tail it out of there. It evoked in me a strong need to protect him.

I had never considered the parallel of personal evolvement and spiritual growth for dogs with the development we go through as humans. You know how we are constantly being given lessons that we can ignore (and they just come back in a larger form) or work through and on the other side we have arrived at an entirely new level?

Arty’s growth seemed at first to be about coming to grips with his external world. He had to adjust to his new home, new caretaker, another dog (Hobbit) and a whole new life. This took him a while and I began to notice the more comfortable he became and familiarly settled in, the more his personality began to show.

He started to relax and come out of his shell. He became comfortable being alone in a room and not having to follow Hobbit or me around. On our walks he began to venture out on his own while he kept a close eye on me. He started showing his soft lovable side and became quite a wonderful snuggler.

Then he discovered a passion for music. When my string quartet would come to the house to play, Arty would plant himself in the middle of the music stands and not get up or even move for the entire two and a half hours we played. Everyone looked forward to coming to my house because they knew how much Arty loved music.

Just as Arty was coming into his own, Hobbit (who was 18 years old in dog years) lost her hearing and sight over a few months period of time. She was a terrier mix and lived to go for walks. Having no hearing or sight did not deter her urge to run so I began taking them to parks that were fenced in.

This was an amazing transformational time for Arty. All of a sudden, he took on being Hobbit’s eyes and ears. When we went for walks he would herd her and keep her close to me. He kept up with her terrier pace and kept her safe. At home he would lay right beside her and then help guide her when she got up in whatever direction was appropriate.

Arty’s relationship with Hobbit began to feel like a spiritual awakening. The love he had for her was enormous and just continued to grow. He was totally present to her and right in the moment. As I watched him take on this new position, I saw a total change in his personality. His openness increased his trust, courage, power and his entire being.


When the day came for me to get Hobbit put to sleep, we took one last walk among the daffodils on a beautiful spring afternoon. I knew Arty had to be in the room with us and fortunately my veterinarian came to the house. The moment Hobbit was gone Arty jumped onto the couch and put his little head on Hobbit and let out a howling moan. I couldn’t stop sobbing.

He took Hobbit’s death very hard. In fact, I think it took him about four years and moving to a new area of the country where there were no reminders of her before he started feeling happy again. In the meantime I acquired two more Tibetan Spaniels. Arty wanted nothing to do with his sisters. He only wanted Hobbit and I had brought the wrong girls home.

It was as though his heart was broken. A couple of years after Hobbit’s death we discovered through a doggie heart specialist that Arty’s heart was three times the size it was supposed to be. It didn’t seem to bother him, but I couldn’t help but wonder if his grief hadn’t affected his heart.

When we moved across the country he was happy almost from the first day. Then another growth spurt happened. He began to act like a real dog. Maybe I was in a learning curve, too, learning how to be the alpha dog and let my dogs be dogs. Arty thrived on this new arrangement and seemed to relax because he wasn’t having to take care of his sisters and me.

Arty was diagnosed with several life-threatening aliments almost two years ago. He has done well on medication and I make every day an opportunity to be with him one more precious day.

I was just away for three weeks and when I returned I just sat down and held Arty and cried. He had lost about a quarter of his body weight and I could even see the bones on his back. I know it won’t be long now before he will die.

When I think back about Arty, I am in awe struck about how much he has grown throughout this lifetime. He learned to trust and be in his power. He opened his heart to Hobbit and took care of her marvelously. He loves unconditionally. He lives in the moment and when he is with you he is totally present.
He has learned how to be an amazing dog. Most importantly, he has developed his spiritual being way beyond what most people are capable.

I just had to share Arty’s story with you because it is important to be able to witness personal growth in another being. It helps to remind me to stay on my path and keep growing. What I do matters less than how I do it. Arty taught me that.