Showing posts with label protection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label protection. Show all posts

Monday, July 31, 2017

“Abracadabra”


She was magic. Everybody knew it.  What captivated people was her irresistible personality, her razzle-dazzle looks and the charm she emoted which mesmerized and bemused even the non-believers so they forgot completely about their concerns and objections.

She was a schoolteacher. Her principal let her teach first grade year after year, where she thrived and was cherished. Even though she never had any children of her own, she really understood them. She knew how to listen. Listening to children is not the same as listening to anything else in the world. Children say what they have to say without words, mostly. To get children to use their words the world has to be just right. It has to feel absolutely safe.

She knew how to talk to children, too. And I mean really “talk”. There was no beating around the bush with Marguerite Noel. When she was around you could “say it like it was” without the familiar critical cloud hanging over you. This created an atmosphere of protection and freedom where you could let your true nature out to find your voice.

I didn’t have her as a teacher in school. She lived and taught in another little town. I got to be with her on holidays, though, because I was lucky to have her as my very own Great Aunt Marguerite. My cousins, siblings and I would crowd near a window—watching-- in anticipation of her arrival for Easter dinner. Uncharacteristic loud high-pitched cheers would erupt when her car appeared and we’d all run out to welcome her.

She was my grandmother’s youngest half sister and there had to have been at least 20 years between them. She felt young to me---more my mom’s age than my grandmother’s. That really doesn’t explain it, either. Actually, she felt ageless. I suspected that she lived in a timeless world where the perception of age didn’t matter.

She had style and pizzazz. She always wore a large brimmed hat tilted just slightly to the side. She carried a pair of gloves in one hand and clutched a thin purse close to her body.  Unlike the other women in the family, she wore make up and had a faint scent of lavender perfume. Her accessories were meticulously coordinated with some snazzy outfit complete with a pair of fantastic shoes. She loved shoes so much she married a man who fixed them. Uncle Bob, who we adored too, would show up looking dapper in his white Panama hat and 2-toned shoes, dressed to the “nines”, as well.

The two of them would arrive at our dull and boring family reunions with attitude. We would always look predictably the same: Uncle Glen in his plaid flannel shirt and overalls, Grandpa in his white shirt, grey pants and blue tie, Grandma, my Mom and her sisters in their Sunday-best frocks covered with full aprons and us kids in our nearly- outgrown church clothes. Why did they want to spend the day with us?

They had class. There was a charge between them, unlike all the other couples who didn’t even want to sit next to each other at the long table. Bob and Marguerite weren’t afraid of this magnetism. They clearly adored each other and when their eyes met you could feel a spark and see a slight blush brush across their cheeks. Their connection felt like the most natural thing in the universe.

They stood out in a distinctive way. To me, as a child, it was as if they had stepped out of a fantasy book. Not a book you would find in just any library or on one of the bookshelves at my house. The way they looked and talked gave the impression they were not even related to us. They moved among relatives with charisma looking each one in the eye with a sweet word and a wink.

Aunt Marguerite would cast her spell as soon as she walked through the door. Her big brown eyes, with long lashes and eye shadow, illuminated with delight when children came into her sphere. She would open her arms for a hug and talk to you as if you were the only person on the planet. If you stood very still when she was near you could hear your brain cells harmonizing and rising to a higher pitch. Your physical body practically jumped out of its skin at the mere sight of her. Emotions lost their doled drum heaviness and vanished into instantaneous happiness. She was the most amazing wheel of fortune, ever!

She would make a big deal with the adults about the seating arrangements for dinner. Each holiday she would volunteer to sit with the children in the kitchen to “make certain they don’t run amuck or get too loud”, she would explain. We all knew her hoopla was just a show to conjure up in everyone’s minds just how much she loved us. We couldn’t contain our giggles as she took the chance and negotiated on our behalf. Her dramatic spectacle bedazzled and charmed us all!

During dinner we heard the adults in the next room making small talk, when there was actually nothing to say. Eventually they would land upon the weather and farmers’ gossip—which with any luck lasted until the end of their meal. At our table, however,conversations were animated and fun. Aunt Marguerite would not even have to coax us to tell our stories. Stories we didn’t even know were in us would come tumbling out merely because she was there. We would laugh so hard milk would run right out of our noses.

After the meal, dishes washed, dried and put away, old clothes on and men sleeping in front of the TV as football players dodged tackles, we kids tiptoed down the dark hall and gathered around a small table Aunt Marguerite had set up in a back bedroom. A black velvet cloth covered the rickety card table giving an air of fascination and illusion. Sheer curtains were open just a little so a few light beams filtered through casting shadows on her face. It was just dark enough to put a sense of the heebie-jeebies on what was about to happen.

She sat behind the table. We waited on pins and needles until she spoke a low, quiet “abracadabra”, when tarot cards would appear with a slight of her hand. She shuffled the deck like a Las Vegas dealer while emoting passionately about the symbols on the cards and how she was going to use them to predict our futures. It seemed incredibly mysterious! I hadn’t even thought about my future since last Christmas when she had shape-shifted her alchemy into those cards and cast the unknown upon us. Now, my future was about to materialize in front of my eyes again with the hocus-pocus those cards were about to reveal.

Each one of us kids got a “reading”. I found myself holding my breath every time 3 cards were pulled and placed in a row in front of us. Then her unbelievable smoke and mirror stories started and went on and on and on, hypnotizing and holding our wide-eyed attention with unspeakable wonder. We clung to each thought anticipating astonishment. Her gypsy spirit did not disappoint as she embellished and lingered on every word. Our imaginations cast us right over the precipice into the worlds beyond.
Suddenly, in the palm of her hand a black fortune-telling ball appeared. Answers to our questions floated to the surface at the bottom of the ball and cast a mysterious aura. She extended the ball slightly away from her body, adding to the illusion of prophecy.

By the time the Ouija board emerged everyone was sitting on the edge of their chairs, the little ones resting their arms on the table in anticipation. She had been bewitching us with the Ouija board as long as I could remember. Each time it appeared we were taken closer to some way-out apparition. Who would she choose today to reach into the beyond for an answer to their burning query?

Out of the blue, our mothers call us back to this world, breaking the spell. Our desserts are ready. We file toward the kitchen in silence, too delirious to care about what ordinarily would have brought us racing. For, you see, Great Aunt Marguerite introduced us to the world of Spirit. She uncovered Universal secrets, revealed unseen truths and brought to light symbols larger than life that disclosed their meanings in a mysterious language. In some all-seeing way she had summoned an awe-inspiring image of Paula that, though dreamlike, was undoubtedly “me”.

I clearly remember breathing deeply, pondering questions I had never thought of before and smiling in awe as she drove off in their fancy automobile. Great Aunt Marguerite had graced the day and her presence continued to drape around us like a silk cloak. Full of wonder, we silently looked into our futures to the next holiday when we would enter her world of enchantment and magic again. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Reflections On My Sister


My first memories include my sister. She was 16 months old when I was born. In my memories she is “there” for me in a stabilizing--offering--security kind of way. I am depending on her so I don’t have to feel as though I am alone. I am depending on her to talk for me. I know she gets along with everyone and makes people feel at ease through her conversations and I need her to do that for me. I need her to protect me. I don’t feel like the adults are in control and I need her.

I was an incredibly shy little girl and not a happy child. My mother was erratic and angry a lot of the time. Often, she was angry with me. This scapegoating could take the form of silence or ridicule depending upon the moment and situation. Quite frequently, her rage spilled out against our father—especially at night after we were in bed. It was not unusual for my brother, sister and me to be huddled under a table during these tyrannous outbursts.

I shared a room with my sister. I know this annoyed her. It was “her” room. I don’t know how I knew this or why it wasn’t “our” room. But, it was hers. Every night I peed in the bed and then I cried. I would cry and cry until our father would come in and get me. Then I would go to sleep in my parent’s bed and my sister was left to sleep in the peed-in bed. This was very aggravating to her! I knew this at a very deep level. But, I didn’t stop peeing. Eventually we got twin beds. I don’t think this made my sister any less dismayed but perhaps once the quiet was restored and I was not there she might have felt relief.

It seemed to me, as I grew older and my memory came into sharper focus, we were quite different from one another. I liked to play with my friends, climb trees, play ball with the boys, make mud pies, work in the yard, garden. I enjoyed doing anything active outside. My sister preferred being inside designing and making elaborate doll clothes and watching TV.


The differences between my sister and I seemed to widen as we hit adolescence. By high school the tension between us was obvious and uncomfortable. This didn’t deter my feelings of needing her for security. It is easy now to remember my grief when she went to college and I was left alone and unprotected for the first time in my life. I was outwardly calm and collected but inwardly I was lost and terrified.

It took me many years to work out my dependency issues with my sister. My "mother issues" were complicated enough and challenging to unravel. It hadn't felt as though my actual mother had been present to me and my needs so I sought and received "positive" nurturing from my sister. I had to redefine myself and reorganize my entire way of thinking and identity to relieve the anxiety I felt. Only when I had stabilized and grounded myself inside was it possible to actually begin to let go of the dependency. We both struggled as adults to develop a healthy relationship with each other.

Only in the last 20 years have I really gotten to know my sister for who she truly is. Imagine my shock to discover how alike we are! She is the one person on the planet who really knows me. She knows without my saying a word what I am feeling and what is going on with me. When we are together, we don’t even have to talk to know what is going on with the other or our response to those around us. Our taste is similar and other than her being a “girly-girl” and me maintaining my “tom-boy” persona, we are two peas in a pod.

I haven’t seen my sister in over two years. I am preparing for a visit over the holidays. I am SO excited! Loving someone your entire life and then being able to share quality time as adults can be incredibly sweet. It has taken both of us being willing to "do the work" on our low functioning childhood and the unhealthy parts of our relationship to reach the point we are now. I am grateful to both of us for our tenacity, courage and strength. We have a lot to celebrate!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

BARKING DOG

What goes on in a dog's head? My fourteen-year-old dog, Ladybug, has developed an obsession. Whenever the man who lives in the kennel starts to come toward the house she starts barking. I don't think she sees or hears him. I think she "senses" him.

The barking continues until he has left the house and returned to the kennel. I have wondered if she feels he is some sort of threat and has to protect me. That theory got nixed yesterday when she was barking in a completely different part of the house from where I was. She may feel threatened for her own safety, though.

It feels like she is terrified and scared by the look in her eyes. I try to comfort her by getting her to come to me and then I pet her and hold her close. This only briefly calms her down and then she starts barking again.

The best thing I have found that helps is to put her outside when I see him coming this way. Of course, this only works if I see him first. Otherwise, she is off and barking.

My roommate, who has trained dogs for years, has tried and suggested many techniques to get the barking to stop to no avail. I had to put my foot down when she started yelling, "shut up" and tried to hit her with a magazine. I also said "no" to loud unexpected noises. No point in scaring her more than she already is.

Last night the man came in where Ladybug and I were. She started barking and he loudly, violently slammed a door and said, "I'm getting really sick of that dog!".

Obviously, he hates her and she is responding to that. He is personally miserable and negative about everything in his life and it feels like a dark hole when he is in the house. I'm sure Ladybug feels that.

What is going on in her brain? I say she is just responding to his ugly, hateful attitude about his life in general and his anger at her in particular. Ladybug doesn't deserve to be punished or picked on. I don't deserve to be told I don't have my dog under control. We are doing everything we can. The man is equally an annoyance to us as we are to him. In fact, the truth is, if I was being honest I would bark too!