Tai Chi Spell Broken

The most amazing thing happened at my Tai Chi class recently!

A few years ago my friend Jenny and I kept falling for no good reason on our dog walks. One day, 4 1/2 years ago, we talked and decided to do something about it. We started going to the Tai Chi class at the Recreation Center twice a week. Tai Chi allowed us the opportunity to move slowly, learn about balance, and basically learn about where we are in our bodies while moving. In the first 3 years neither of us fell.

A series of joint replacements the summer before last made it impossible for me to continue the class. I struggled just to walk. Three months after the hip surgery, I fell. My balance was horrible. I had no idea where my body was in space. 

I had intended on going back to Tai Chi when I finished my physical therapy, but kept finding excuses and reasons not to go. I finally sat down and did some writing about it. I discovered a greater obstacle than the physical pain:  issues with the teacher!

Marcia is fantastic when it comes to teaching how the body works. She is superbly intuitive and clear when it comes to seeing what the body is doing and how to make it to work properly. She is also narcissistic, eccentric, erratic, and controlling. Occasionally, out of the blue, she will blast a student in the class in front of everyone.

The fist time this happened I had a very strong negative reaction but said or did nothing. I was like a deer in headlights--fogged over and frightened. This belittling behavior kept happening sporadically, and the entire class walked on egg shells knowing another outburst would certainly happen. Jenny said she dealt with it by doing the Tai Chi and ignoring Marcia. I tried this but it didn't ease my anxiety.

I hadn't been aware feelings of anxiety and physical pain were blocking my going back to class. About this time I had my 4th and 5th fall in 2015. I knew that I had to get myself back to class--for me.  Every time I thought about finding another class I would acknowledge Marcia was excellent at what I needed plus the class had become a community and support system for me. I made the decision that if Marcia jumped on me or someone else I would simply go to her after class and tell her that her behavior was unacceptable to me and if it happened again I would bring up the problem in class...

The day of the amazing thing, Jenny was whispering to me about her new adult coloring book. She was so excited about feeling her creativity coming back after a long hiatus. Marcia glared at us for talking and then her curiosity about our interaction overcame her and she inquired about our conversation. 

Jenny animatedly shared her story, embellishing it to include that her son had sent her a copy of the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. Marcia launched into stories about the drawing classes she had taken. She spoke at length about how the point of taking any class is to have the teacher tell you that you’re doing a great job. Jenny said she didn’t want to take a class as she had too many voices inside her head telling her stuff—she didn’t want or need someone on the outside doing it, too.

Then Marcia talked about a watercolor class she had taken where the teacher only said critical things. She said, “Now, that is the kind of teacher you should run away from.” 

We resumed Tai Chi mode and were seriously and intently doing the form. I was aware of my intense focus on my body when I felt Marcia move near me. I could feel her eyes piercing right through me. As we stopped what we were doing she was standing right next to me. I felt and heard her suck in a chastising breath...

Without hesitation I said, “I bet you are about to tell me what a good job I am doing?” For a brief second she looked shocked. Then the class laughed and by this time I was looking at her and she laughed, too. The entire class at that moment knew we had a new point of reference from her bullying. It was like this great weight had been lifted. The spell had been broken. 

It was AMAZING!

Grateful for Arches

I embarked upon my Tai Chi journey last May. In the beginning I was lost—but in an introspectively curious way. Tai Chi was different than anything I had ever tackled. It was enough to simply "be". If I didn’t know what I was doing I could make something up. Sure, there was a several thousand-year-old form we were learning but, hey, there were more important things going on than worrying about perfection.

The funny thing is I don’t know how I made my way to Tai Chi. I had seen it being gracefully done in parks in San Francisco, New York and on my trips to China. I had thought it was beautiful to watch, but it was not something I had ever imagined doing. After all it was an internal martial art practiced for its defense training. It was only after starting to do it I discovered it was also done for health benefits.

Tai Chi felt “right” from the first class. I can’t put my finger on what it was that clicked. Maybe it was something I couldn’t think my way through. Who knew that not thinking would become so important? Any time I would start thinking in class, I would lose track of my body. In the beginning the entire focus was on what my body was doing and learning structure to encourage connection.

Then there was balance. And flexibility. And steadiness. Those were all things that had become quite precarious in my day-to-day life. I had taken three falls in the previous year. When new people would come into the class and we would introduce ourselves and say why we were there, about half the class would say “balance”. This gave me pause. I began to feel changes in my body that encouraged and allowed me to stay grounded and balanced.

I was basically learning about what my body was doing for the very first time in my life. I was listening to the subtleties of the body: joints, muscles, tendons, and organs, back, legs, where my weight was--feeling how complex and yet simple the movements were. Discovering connections and disconnects between the upper and lower parts of my body, side to side, pushing too hard, too far, holding hips off center, not letting the imaginary drop of water sit carefully in my too-tightly-curved hand...

My mind wanted to figure this phenomenon out. But I quickly gave that up. I have come to realize even in the short amount of time I’ve been practicing Tai Chi there are many, MANY levels to even the minutest aspect of every thing we do. Each move has a billion variations depending on each person, their body’s story, the energy of the day...

Some of the levels presented themselves early on. There were the physical aspects. Body memory was the way we are were being taught the form. I began to experience the subtleties of the brain breaking from its rapid beta self-talk and commentaries and dropping into calming alpha waves. I felt my brain shifting even when we’re warming up. At the end of each class I felt like I’d been swaddled for an hour and fifteen minutes. Held. Cared for. Loved.

Another level that bubbled up in Tai Chi was emotions. Slowing down and practicing the form made a lot of room for inner emotions. Sometimes there would be negative self-talk that would be severely critical and competitive. Sometimes there would be waves of sadness. I believe the body carries a lot of emotions. It became clear that Tai Chi was a way to allow old energy patterns to release and move through unconscious resistances. I liked using the body in this way without analyzing everything.

One day in class I had an “ah ha” moment. We were talking about the tiny muscles in the feet and ankles that create balance and we started walking around the room. We were to tune into how we walked. Suddenly I could feel the arches in my feet. I almost wept with gratitude. I admit it sounds like an extreme reaction but it has repeatedly been my experience with Tai Chi: small, simple things touch me with the magnitude of the mountains.

Have I mentioned the sense of community? I call this the “social level” of Tai Chi. I have been in many group processes and I can say for a fact the people in this class share something mysterious. The way the class is set up through the Recreation Center new people can come into the class at any time. Sometimes that is annoying, but ultimately it is teaching me patience. The core group though, the ones who keep coming back, are the ones who delight me. Besides being really nice people we share something that I feel but cannot explain.

I can’t help but notice that the practice of Tai Chi, while being a martial art that is about fighting, is pushing me into deeper levels of spirituality. There are within the subtle (beautiful) movements,  spaces of Light that I have only felt in the awe of nature, the joy of a small hand reaching up for mine, the sweet melody of a Beethoven sonata... I know I am touching into something much Greater than myself.

Okay. So you probably think I’m making up this magical story? Actually, it is all my Truth. Even the gratitude piece about having arches in my feet is true! How many people do you know who have flat feet, metal in their shoulders, stomach problems, knee replacements, bodies that fall down or get up too early in the morning? I have discovered a deep secret in the practice of Tai Chi. It is as solid as the earth and as ethereal as the blue sky. And the best part of it all—I love it!